Ivan & Nikita Koloff vs Randy & Bill Mulkey -NWA Pro 09-??-1986
Russian heels do nothing for me.
It makes some sort of sense given my age. I was born only a year before the Berlin Wall fell. To me the Cold War was something you just watch in movies or read about in books. Not books in High School of course. Why would we bother wanting to give teenagers an understanding of the world they're about to enter into. Screw that, we're gonna do 3 weeks on the fucking Magna Carta. If you take anything away from this blog, take away that I don't give a shit about the Magna Carta. I give more of a shit about Russian heels than I do the Magna Carta. I don't want this to get twisted, I have nothing against Russians heels. Some of them are quite good. What I mean by not giving a shit is I don't get a visceral response from it. I grew up in a world without a cold war, so me I just always worse shorts. I grew up without the fear of total nuclear annihilation from the Soviet Union. All I had to worry about was the ozone layer, global warming, mass shootings, school shootings, suicide bombers, airplane bombers, the polar icecaps melting, asteroids, and some other stuff I'll remember when I'm lying awake in bed and can't sleep
But yeah, it really stinks there was almost almost a war couple a times.
The concept of a foreign heel will always be a part of wrestling in some capacity. It may need to get a bit more clever as the the years go on, but people will still always want to defend their home. I can pretend I'm not the same way, but I absolutely can get a bit territorial. Not about America, no America needs to fight his own battles. I'm talking about Boston. Look, I'm not from Boston. I'm not from a suburb of Boston. I'm from 45 minutes south of Boston. However to everyone outside of this area, that is Boston. People think the whole state is in Fenway Park. So, I will indulge those people by speaking as such. I find most people around the area obnoxious and annoying. But, if anyone from outside of Boston says that, my shields go up. I immediately get defensive. I can make fun of people around here, but you can't. Fuck you, Ben Affleck fucking rules. It's sort of engrained in us to feel a twinge of protection about where we're from, so of course there's going to be heels to push that element in us. I have no idea where the foreign heels are going to come from in the future. It's going to be the French again isn't it? It's always the French. Back in the day though if you needed a foreign heel, you got yourself a Russian.
The Russians had a hell of a run as top USA bad guy man. Any jacked up bald guy got a look from NWA or WWF back in the day. Why were all the Russians bald? This isn't a Yakov Smirnoff bit, I'm legitimately asking. There's hundreds of pro wrestling Russians throughout the years, but tonight we look at two men who may be the biggest of them all. Ivan and Nikita Koloff. Of course neither man was an actual Russian, but they were bald and have muscles and that was good enough for everyone. No Notes. Ivan Koloff made his mark in the 1970s when he ended Bruno Sammartino's seven year world title reign. The title reign didn't last long, but take the win Uncle Ivan. Ivan's other major success was more sustained as he had lengthy runs in the NWA. By this point he had been established as a top Russian heel in American wrestling, but Ivan was getting a bit older. Someone decided they wanted to use Ivan to launch the next era of Russian and so Ivan brought in his nephew, Nikita. Nikita was absolutely massive and became one of the top heels in the company. Nikita came in basically untrained and had to learn on the fly, but improved so much that by the end of his run he was a top singles star. Eventually the era of the Russian heel waned and Nikita became an unlikely top babyface in Jim Crockett Promotions. Before then though, him and Ivan became a dominant tag team and multiple time tag team champions, so let's head back to take a look at this gruesome twosome.
Its a 1986 edition of NWA Pro as Ivan and Nikita Koloff face off against the jobberest of jobbers, The Mulkey Brothers. The Mulkey Brothers will get their own special entry, but they are wimpy royalty. Bill and Randy Mulkey look like two men built in a lab. Then the lab caught fire. Then they saved the samples. Then they dropped the samples. Then one scientist said fuck it, just let the guys in NWA kick their ass. They're small, they're scrawny, they're mullety, and they have a death wish. They rule. The match starts off with an Ivan and Nikita hug and while I emphasized how big Nikita was, Ivan ain't small either. He's not as tall as Nikita but Ivan Koloff is a thicker milkshake for sure. Ivan rushes Bill Mulkey and drives him into the corner with punches and shoulder attacks. He whips Bill into the ropes who climbs the second and slips before attempting a crossbody. Ivan ducks and Bill goes splat. In Soviet Union Bill ducks and Ivan goes splat. But this is America jack. Ivan drops and elbow, but Bill moves. THE CROWD POPS FOR THE ELBOW MISS. Ivan barely sells it but the crowd hates the Russians so much that even to see a glimpse of weakness is cause for celebration. Ivan with a stiff kick to Bill Mulkey's face and a leg drop. Tony Schiavone n commentary just informed me that I was mixing the Mulkeys up, but we're too far gone. We're going to double down and just keep messing up. I just explained American Foreign Policy. DIDNT NEED TO KNOW SHIT ABOUT THE MAGNA CARTA FOR THAT JOKE. Ivan tags in Nikita and lets see their tandem offense.
A Back Elbow.
I'm glad America won the cold war. It's the only thing we're good at. Wars and being cold. Homeless people just need to live laugh love harder. Fuck outta here. Nikita with a big snake eyes on the ropes to Bill Mulkey who sells it like death. Nikita tosses away Bill and demands Randy Mulkey. Randy obliges and is promptly knocked down. Nikita whips Randy into the ropes and another fucking back elbow. Randy does a flying bump, but it looks stupid. Oh god, is this going to be a punch and stomp fest. Punch and Stomp Fest sounds like something at a Fairgrounds I would hate. Nope, the next move is a back elbow. These Russian bastards are trolling me from 35 years ago. Nikita tags in Ivan to toss Randy into the corner, and then Ivan tags in Nikita to toss Randy in the corner, and then Ben tags himself in a post on Facebook to let people know that he is now a full fledged patriot because these men are stepping on my freedom with their bad squash match. Nikita hits a rib breaker that sends Randy bouncing to the mat. Don't let my enthusiasm mistake you, this is slow and boring. Oh good Nikita is tagging in Ivan, what kind of powerful offense are we going to get here.
Nikita holds Randy while Ivan double axhandles him.
No wonder people voted for that smooth brained idiot Reagan. Jesus I would have voted for that demented idiot if it was gonna prevent this shit. Ivan WITH ANOTHER FUCKING BACK ELBOW. Oh my god, end this. Ivan climbs the second ropes and drops a knee. Ok , good, an actual cool move,. A shitty swinging neck breaker. It's shitty but I'll take it. Ivan with another legdrop and clearly he didn't pay for the DLC because he's got a demo mode move set right now. As I typed that he started clawing at his face so I'm right as usual. Ivan tosses Randy outside which gives Nikita a chance to take advantage and SORT OF HALFEARTEDLY THROWS RANDY INTO THE GUARDRAIL This sucks guys. Randy crawls back onto the apron just to be met with a guillotine by Ivan. A cross chop by Ivan who whips Randy into the roes, TRIES FOR A BACK ELBOW AGAIN but Randy ducks. Randy doesn't get a chance to recover as he gets hit with a jumping clothesline by Ivan. Jump is a very strong word. A hopping clothesline as he barely left his feet. He pins for the win? That's it.
Yo fuck that shit. You know what, The Magna Carta isn't so bad anymore. No wonder people hated Russia with shit like this. I know Ivan and Nikita have better matches than this, but now they got a Kate Bush level of running up the hill to get to my love.
TLDR Review
Fuck the Magna Carta. Fuck the Russians. Fuck Ronald Regan
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