Mankind vs Barry Horowitz WWF Raw 06-03-1996
The cliché when wrestlers talk about crafting their successful gimmick is "It's like me with the volume turned way up"
Let's skip past the Nigel Tufnel of it all, and just focus on the gist of the statement. I added the caveat of "Successful gimmick" in there because I really doubt Mike Shaw saw a lot of himself in the Bastion Booger gimmick. He did see a lot of himself because he was almost naked, but I meant more in the mindset sense. The idea of using yourself as the base for your professional wrestling character has sound logic. So much of wrestling is how your character reacts to situations. Obviously it's a hell of a lot easier to react naturally when you're acting naturally. We all have different versions of yourself, as evidence by the shy polite version of me whenever has to make a phone call. So it makes sense for Steve Austin to go, I'm a brash redneck....let me just get brasher and rednecker ( neck redder?). It's easy for Eddie Kingston to go I talk shit and I like to hit people...let me make my character a guy who likes to talk shit and hit people. It's super logical for Mick Foley to go, I like Christmas and dad jokes so let me make a character that's tortured abused concert pianist who inflicts pain on his opponents. As The Ringer's Ryen Russilo would say
Wait, What?
Mick Foley as Mankind really is one of the exceptions to the prevailing wisdom of character creation. By all intents and purposes, Mick Foley has a reputation as one of the nicest people in the professional wrestling business. He's got some real dad joke energy, the kind of guy to hit you with a corny line and then fake laugh about it just to annoy you. He loves Christmas, he loves theme parks, and he loves seemingly everyone. The character of Mankind could not be more different. Not to get all George Carlin Football vs Baseball, but there's a hell of a lot of difference.
Mankind lives in a boiler room with only his rat as company.
Mick Foley has a house with one specific Christmas room.
Mankind inflicts misery with his mandible claw.
Mick Foley inflicts joy by dressing as Santa Claus.
Mankind's mother tortured her son.
Mick Foley's mom.... didn't.
I ran out of steam at the end either, but Mankind never ran out of steam because he lived in a boiler room.
Get it? See that's a Mick Foley joke. You'd never catch mankind saying that shit. I think it really speaks to Mick Foley as a performer than he was able to bring a character to life that was seemingly so opposite of him. He made the character 3 dimensional, a living breathing creation and it's a testament to his abilities. Lesser performers would have steered into the darkness too hard, but while Mick made Mankind dark and scary....he injected some pathos into the character. Fuck, this is two entries almost back to back where I spend the whole time slobbering over Mick Foley. Good, the man deserves a slobbering now and then. Is that what a slobberknocker is? I know what it's not
It's not June 1996 on this edition of Monday Night Raw as we get Mankind taking on Barry Horowitz. About time we got Barry Horowitz on here. Barry is probably the most famous enhancement talent of all time. Maybe it was the name, or the consistent TV time, that banger sparkly jacket he wore, or maybe it was because he had a signature taunt I've done after every wiffleball home run for 25 years ( patting himself on the back), but Barry stood out. Barry was such a good wimpy that he became a guy who won matches. That's the kind of stuff you only dream of when you're at Wimpy Academy. Yes I have created a fictional academy for wimpies in my head. Lee Scott is the dean. Barry is already in the ring and HE PATS HIMSELF ON THE BACK HELL YEAH. Mankind comes out to his creepy music and turd brown gear. I still can't believe that's Mick Foley. We get highlights of the Mankind/Undertaker feud, a feud I really should go back and revisit as I'm sure there are plenty of non Hell in a Cell bangers. Last time we covered a Foley match I noticed how lacking in offense Cactus Jack was, so let's see how Mankind fares.
Horowitz rushes Mankind right away with punches, but Mankind takes advantage quickly with his own strikes. Horowitz able to evade Mankind and hits a beautiful dropkick and a jawbreaker. Mankind staggers back and then just chokes Barry and punches him in the face. The only choke I've ever liked in a squash. Mankind backs Horowitz into the corner and unleashes a series of forearms before coming back with a splash. He goes for a second splash, but Horowitz evades and goes for a roll-up. He'd have a better luck getting a fruit kind because Mankind says naaaaa and stomps him in the belly. So far the answer to the question if Foley has gotten better at squashes is no,
This is worse
Mankind falls out of the ring a bit bringing Horowitz to choke him which f fits the chaotic nature of the character so I'll rule that as not a botch. What is a botch is when they are back in the ring and Mankind grabs Horowitz by the hair ,but Horowitz just sorta drops to his knees for no reason. Weird. Mankind gets Barry in the tree of Woe and COMES WITH AN ELBOW. Ok that looked good. Mankind starts stomping away. Less Good. Then he starts choking Barry while squealing. Choke bad, squeal good. Boring squash matches turn me into a monosyllabic goon . Mankind teases a PILEDRIVER ON THE FLOOR, but instead he rips his own hair out. Mick Foley you tease. After a quick break we head back inside as Barry mounts a comeback with some nice European uppercuts,b ut Foley American cuts him off with a kick and then THE MANDIBLE CLAW for the win.
Oh boy, hated that. Maybe Mick Foley just isn't good at squash matches. We're 0-2 here guys and I'm a little disappointed. No, I'm pissed. Royally pissed. I will not stand for this. I will march to the highest mountain and accost god himself until I get justice. I want a non fucking shitty fucking Mick Foley squash match and I want it well. I only sort of believe this, I'm kind of working my blog gimmick
Which is of course me with the volume way up
TLDR Review
Pat on the Back for Old Barry Horowitz. Scold of the Finger for Old Mick Foley. Tip of the Cap for a lady walking back because I'm a 1900s gentleman
If you're interested in more condensed version of my thoughts, You can check out my Twitter where I talk about wrestling or stress out during Boston Celtics games. Hell, I'll even take suggestions for matches you want to see reviewed. You can also check out my Youtube where I make weird videos where I put on wigs in front of a camera to mask my true identity.