The Goon vs. Doug Allen WWF Superstars 08-10-1996
I don't know how people can like hockey.
I can feel the recoil of horror by a thousand of white men with burly beards, but drink some of the I.P.A I know you have in the fridge and settle down for a moment. I didn't say it was bad, I just said I don't know how people can like it. It's a terrible sport for someone with anxiety to watch. It's pure chaos. Yeah, I know there's strategy and formations and gamesmanship, but all I see is constant motion and perpetual anarchy. I don't know how people do it. Every hockey game I've ever watched has spiked ,y anxiety, and I have such little stakes invested. It's no secret from the blog, but I'm a basketball kid. You can like both sports, but you can't be a big fan of both. People say they are, but they're lying. I'm sure there are people who watch all the Celtics games AND all the Bruins games, but I'm willing to be those people have no sense of a world outside of sports. WHEN WILL YOU FIND THE TIME TO WATCH THE PARAMOUNT NETWORK. It's exhausting enough just following one of those teams. That said, despite my lack of hockey fandom...there are elements I enjoy.
Like institutionalized fighting
While it sounds like arguing over the lyrics to a Suicidal Tendencies song, what I mean by institutionalized fighting is just how engrained violence is into the sport of hockey. I've never fully understood the code of conduct, all I know is that in hockey it is perfectly acceptable for you to do something wrong and catch a beating. Do you understand how much more enjoyable basketball would be if *player redacted* who didn't get the *redacted* vaccine could get punched in the face without repercussion. In other sports you get a multiple game suspension, in hockey you get a rest for a little while. It's hockey's most fascinating aspect. How is this sport still allowed to operate with that. Every other sport has removed fighting from the game, but in hockey it seems engrained. Hockey is the only sport where they fight wearing skates.
Well that and that time The Goon showed up in WWE.
The Goon is a very, very silly WWE gimmick that could have worked if it wasn't so silly. The SEO code word of the day is Silly ladies and gentlemen. Played by Bill Irwin, The Goon's gimmick was that of well...a goon. A goon is a hockey player who's main job on the team is as an enforcer. He starts fights, plays dirty, and basically anything needed to give his team an edge. Whenever you fall down the hockey fight rabbit hole, a rite of passage for any young man, the goon is the guy you see covered in blood but still punching another guy in the face. The Goon, Bill Irwin version, was allegedly blackballed out of every pro hockey league for being too much of a goon.
I don't know what the Hartford Whalers were expecting when they drafted a guy named "The Goon", but I'm a basketball guy.
It's actually not a bad gimmick. The idea of a super violent hockey goon sounds like it'd be a recipe for something really fun and Bill Irwin looked the part. I don't know how to describe it other than, he had hockey guy hair. Without even looking at him you know exactly what I'm talking about.. The problem is WWE took it a step too far. And then about 10 steps after that. Then one more leap just to be safe. First off, having his name me The Goon is dumb as fuck. Second off, pretending anyone is an ex-pro athlete is always stupid when it's fairly obvious we would all remember the NHL player with GOON on his jersey. Third off, the gear was ridiculous. He wore ridiculous boots that looked like ice skates. The idea of an ex-hockey enforcer turned pro wrestling has a lot of legs, but The Goon barely had the skates to stand on.
But, I'm not a hockey guy. I'm a wrestling guy. So maybe, just maybe the gimmick can overcome it's outward appearance and perform in the ring. Let's find out as we head to a 1996 edition of WWF Superstars where The Goon will be taking on Doug Allen. Clips during his entrance show The Goon's bad attitude as he attacks his coach, high sticks a player, slashes another, and trips the last one. All these offenses take place in an empty arena, so I'm assuming this was from his stint with the Phoenix Coyotes.
Took a big swing that that franchise has attendance problems, let's see if it pays off.
Doug Allen already in the ring and while he doesn't have a mullet he does have a crew cut, which for some reason is the second most popular wimpy hairstyle. Other than that, not a lot stands out from Mr. Allen. Bell rings and Goon throws off his glove and rushes Allen. Ok, love that. The Goon unloads with bunches of punches. I normally critique that, but I'll let this slide because it fits the gimmick. With Allen in the corner, Goon hits the ropes and come in with a big splash or "cross check". Starting off with frantic energy is The Goon, which I love. The Goon gets a picture in picture promo which while not good, has enough to it where now I'm questioning if I don't actually love The Goon. The Goon then starts doing punch and kick offense.
So yes, I don't love The Goon.
Allen just barely leapfrogs The Goon and hits a dropkick that takes The Goon down. Allen can't keep it going after The Goon kicks him in the chest. Goon with a very cool, very unique front bodyslam kind of deal. I'm back in love with The Goon. Slow back body drop. I'm out of love. This match is an emotional rollercoaster. Goon hits a nice suplex. It's nice because it looked like he actually had to do the heavy lifting on Allen and so it looked nasty. The Goon back to punches and now this is getting kind of repetitive. Oh good, a choke in the ropes. Goon whips Allen into the ropes and Allen leapfrog again and this time comes back with a big old shoulderblock. Allen feeling his chance as he climbs the top rope, and leaps off with a leaping axe-handle/crossbody/ move that was never going to work. Goon sidesteps him and Allen splats to the mat. Goon takes advantage and shoulder checks Allen to the outside. The Goon follows him and then goes down the aisleway? Weird. Nope, that was just a running start as The Goon crosschecks Allen into the apron, then returns to the ring for the....count out win? Fucking Lammmeee finish. Ironically Monty Brown would invent the perfect finish for The Goon 10 years later in The Pounce.
The Goon gimmick had potential, but it just came at a wrong time. I don't think The Goon was bad, but there was only so much Bill Irwin could do in these constraints. Still, somewhat of a pleasant surprise with what I thought the gimmick originally was. Overall, it's not a great squash match but its a good barometer on the strengths and weakness of the gimmick
EX-NBA player would have been better though.
You could call him Tragic Johnson or Reggie Killer or Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf
Chris Jackson if you're nasty
TLDR Review
The Goon isn't no Marty McSorley. Doug isn't no Donald Brasher. Joe Thornston and Anson Carter are two other hockey players I remember
If you're interested in more condensed version of my thoughts, You can check out my Twitter where I talk about wrestling or stress out during Boston Celtics games. Hell, I'll even take suggestions for matches you want to see reviewed. You can also check out my Youtube where I make weird videos where I put on wigs in front of a camera to mask my true identity.