Chris Candido vs. The Dark Secret Smokey Mountain Wrestling (SMW) 09-13-1993
You remember when The Lard Lad came to life in the Simpsons and destroyed the town?
Of course you do. It was the Treehouse of Horror episode where Homer steals his donut and then all the other mascots come to life and start killing people. There seems to be no hope in site until it comes in the form of Lisa Simpson. After talking to an advertising executive they figure out the best course of action is to get people to ignore the mascots and then they'll go away. Of course they need Paul Anka's help who writes a song that simply tells people " Just don't look, Just don't look". Of course the monsters can't survive without the attention and the day is saved.
People need that same energy for Jim Cornette's opinions.
Look, if Jim Cornette has any opinion or story about wrestling pre -000, I am all ears. Anything after that I just don't have time for. Cornette is the Abe Simpson yelling at a cloud moment personified. That's not fair to Abe Simpson. He's more, Jasper talking about what constitutes a paddlin'. He's not always wrong, but at this point it's so obviously an act that people still fall for. The cycle goes as follows
Wrestler A does something
Cornette shits on it happening
Wrestler A passively aggressively mentions it or does something in a match alluding to it
Cornette shits on it happening
Wrestler A makes his whole deal about pissing off Jim Cornette
It goes on and on. It's just a big circle jerk at this point. Each side is feeding the other side and it's such an obvious grift . It really sucks to see what Cornette has become because Cornette was awesome. Jim Cornette hates comedy wrestling, because he's probably full of self-loathing like all comedians. Cornette was so great at funny moments in wrestling that it's a shame he has such a firm definition of what the role of comedy in wrestling is. I know he says his comedy was different because he was a heel and stuff, but seems like apples and oranges to me. Some real do as I say, not as I did stuff. It's kind of hard to fathom how Cornette could do the things he did and then hate people like Orange Cassidy, especially after a match like this.
This match is the perennially underrated Chris Candido vs The Dark Secret from Smokey Mountain Wrestling. Jim Cornette had recently , in story line, got to take over SMW and decided to do Chris Candido a favor. Candido had lost a match where he had to wear a baby bonnet until he won a match ( I think, I'm using context clues here) , and so Cornette brought in the mysterious Dark Secret. Not only was he bringing him in, but he decided to referee. What unfolds is an absolutely great comedy match.
Candido locks up with Dark Secret and from the jump it's obvious the fix is in. The lockups are so over the top hokey and soft, I love it. What makes it even better is heel announcer "Dirty " Dutch Mantell selling the moves like it's Misawa/Kawada. Candido's strikes are ridiculously fakeand his bodyslams involve gingerly putting Dark Secret on the mat. Cornette is fantastic too, as he pretends to admonish Candido for being too violent. I do like how Candido isn't actively hurting Dark Patriot. So many times you've seen people in wrestling beat someone down, but IT WAS PART OF THE PLAN. This time, Candido obviously paid a guy off who he isn't actively hurting. The whole match is in slow-mo, it's basically heels doing the Darin Corbin bit , but in 1993 and for Heat. Candido finally gets a win with a clothesline and CORNETTE STILL DOES A FAST COUNT.
This was a remarkable piece of business and it's hilarious to watch. Candido and Cornette are fantastic in this at making a mockery of the wrestling business. Oh god, I watched enough Cornette lately I have Stockholm syndrome with my captor. Get me some Sprite.
Definitely worth checking out, but doesn't make the hall of fame because my hall of fame has integrity ( just kidding, this one may get in later on with the Veteran's Committe). This is the Cornette I miss and wish was still around, the one who seemed to embrace how Silly wrestling was. Maybe he'll read this blog and have a change of heart.
Nahh he'll probably wish I die instead
TLDR Review
Thank you. Fuck You. Bye
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