Ahmed Johnson Vs Jeff Brettler WWF Raw 01-08-1996
A recurring theme of this blog lately is, how is a wrestler remembered?
For some reason I keep harping back on it. Maybe it's because so much of what we have covered has been based around my own nostalgia. Maybe it's because I'm fighting an invisible strawman who remember things incorrectly. Maybe it's because I'm fighting a visible strawman who remembers things incorrectly.
I'll fist fight a scarecrow, I don't give a shit.
For whatever reason, it's something that is stoking my interest. I feel this need to defend wrestlers I don't think have gotten a fair shake. I feel the need to defend guys like Ahmed Johnson. The question I asked at the beginning of this blog is, how is a wrestler remembered. A guy like Ahmed seems to be remembered more for his mishaps than his matches. His most notable trait is probably his incomprehensible promos. Don't get me wrong, I say 'Juice Make Sugar", just as much as the next guy, but he's been boiled down into a cartoon. If it's not about his marble mouthed mic skills, it's about his injury luck. I once said Ken Kennedy was the most snakebit pro wrestler, but Ahmed Johnson is right up there with him. He suffered so many fluke injuries that weren't his fault and he never recovered. His WWF run was only 3 years and a significant portion of it was spent on the injury shelf. If you ask a lot of people, he was a guy who WWE wanted to push but wasn't ready.
A lot of people are fucking stupid. Ahmed Johnson fucking ruled
If you were a kid during his run, Ahmed Johnson was one of your favorite wrestlers. I don't give a shit if I couldn't understood a word he said, he didn't need to say a word. Ahmed was a guy with a ton of charisma, he just couldn't verbalize it. That's fine.
Talk less, Pearl River Plunge More.
Not only was Ahmed a massive man, but he was so agile for a guy his size. He would get so much height on his moves and its' crazy knowing he had a lot more in the tank. He didn't bust out a lot in WWF, but he was doing front flip topes in Big Japan Wrestling for god's sake. To top it all off, HE WORE EARRINGS. Only cool dudes wore earrings in the 90s, it was like him and Michael Jordan and my uncle Brian ...and...I wish I had another example but that's all I got right now. BRIAN RODE A MOTORCYLE HE WAS SO COOL GUYS. Ahmed came in and very quickly rose up the ranks. I mean he started teaming with Shawn Michaels semi-regularly, which as a kid was probably the best possible tag team in the world. Holy Demon Army can eat me ass, Give me the Pearl River Break Kids or whatever less awful name they would have had. You can talk all the shit you want about Ahmed Johnson, but juice make sugar you know you're talking out of your butt.
Butt, we aren't hear just to try and convert people to the church of Ahmed Johnson. We meet every Sunday in the backroom of an abandoned supermarket. The dress code emphasizes shoulder pads. We are hear to watch some wimpy action, so let's take a trip to WWF Raw in January of 1996 as Ahmed Johnson will be taking on Jeff Brettler. Ahmed is out first and he is still so friggin cool. He's got the shaved head, he's got the abundance of muscles, he's got the earing, he's got those cool red tights, he's got my heart. Ahmed's opponent is Jeff Brettler who's wearing quite possibly the most ridiculous wimpy attire I've ever seen. He looks like he bought two skirts and merged them into one pair of pants. It's a pair of bell bottoms if the bottom part was the whole pants. He looks like if Aladdin found the genie but his only wish was pants that could lift him in the air. This could go on for a while so I'll stop. Much like Jeff Brettler should have done when he thought about buying these pants at MC Hammer's Estate sale. The match starts with Jeff attempting a sneak attack clothesline on Ahmed, but Ahmed doesn't even budge. Jeff knows he messed up, especially as he grabs his arm to symbolize how thick Ahmed is. Brettler rushes again, but Ahmed ducks a clothesline and DELIVERS A RIDICULOUS MODIFIED SUPLEX. BRETTLER TAKES AN EXTRA SPIN TOO. I can't tell if the move was that crazy or it looked insane because of Brettler's pants. Ahmed teases an Irish whip but fake Brettler out and gives him a spinning clothesline. The video briefly drops so I miss the impact, but its Ahmed Johnson so I assume Brettler lost all his teeth. Brettler staggers to his knees, but Ahmed with a scissor kick. Ahmed does the scissor kick with his left leg, meaning he doesn't spin off the opponent like Booker T or R-Truth. Nope, Ahmed just kicks you in the back and it looks like it fucking hurts. Ahmed still stalking Brettler and gives a bicycle kick as Brettler gets to his feet. Ahmed is still going after him as he whips Brettler into the ropes and then SPINEBUSTERS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. Ahmed is also a very grunty wrestler. Add that to his list of allocades. I don't care if he was injury prone, he should have been world champion Ahmed has had enough and gives a Pearl River Plunge for the finish. People would love that move more if he called it Tiger Driver 96. After the match Jeff Jarrett tries to attack Ahmed but it goes about as well as Global Force Gold did.
Fun squash, but Ahmed can do better. The opening suplex was bananas, but the only other bananas moment happened before the match. That of course being when Jeff Brettler decided that he was going to wear those pants. Still it's a match that is a pretty good indication of the Ahmed Johnson experience. He comes in, kills a guy and looks cool as fuck doing it. You can tease Ahmed all you want, but when you talk to me about Ahmed Johnson
Juice Make Sugar to make sure you put some respect on that mans name
TLDR Review
Brettler Go Down. Ahmed should have been world champ. Juice Makes Sugar will never not be funny to me
If you're interested in more condensed version of my thoughts, You can check out my Twitter where I talk about wrestling or stress out during Boston Celtics games. Hell, I'll even take suggestions for matches you want to see reviewed. You can also check out my Youtube where I make weird videos where I put on wigs in front of a camera to mask my true identity.