Nailz vs Ken Johnson WWF Superstars 11-14-1992
Nailz is the Johnny Lawrence of early 1990s WWF.
On paper, it seems like an absurd analogy. But that's kind of been my whole deal on this blog. I throw something nutty out there and then I sort of trying to make it make make sense along the way, Michael Scott Style. This one though is pretty easy, as both men represent the misunderstood villain. Not in the Frankenstein way. Yes I know it's Frankenstein's monster, I purposely messed up so I could tell anyone whos' immediate instinct was to correct me to go touch grass. Feel it betwixt your toes. Feel nice?
Good, now fuck off.
Where as Frankenstein, TOUCH GRASS ASSHOLES, was a monster misunderstood from the moment viewers watched him, Johnny Lawrence required re-examination. At some point, people started joking about re-watching Karate Kid and noticing just what a little shit Daniel LaRusso was. Johnny did his fair share of villainous acts, but there' plenty of instances in the movie of Larusso starting trouble unnecessarily. What started as a joke morphed into a very sincere belief that the movie could be viewed in a completely different lens. It's the great thing about art, is you don't know how people will react it. So 30 years later than groundswell of fen theory merged into the show Cobra Kai, a show that leans into the perspective that maybe Johnny Lawrence wasn't such a bad guy. Maybe Daniel LaRusso was the asshole. In his defense, Daniel LaRusso could be a hell of a lot worse
He could have been an evil security guard, hit people with nightsticks, and then gaslight people into forgetting about that. RIGHT THE BIG BOSSMAN?
The Big Bossman came in as a cop. People hated him. Can't imagine why. Actually he may have been a jailer or something, but to quote Joe Mantenga in the cinematic classic Airheads,
HE'S A COP.
Bossman would frequently and unsecretly beat the shit out of people with his nightstick. He was an asshole. He was a top heel too, including getting a run against Hogan. Eventually WWE turned him face and the crowds just sort of accepted it. There's nothing people love more than a redemption story. Well other than forgetting about a violent act a police officer committed. So this was an ideal combo. Wrestling fans have short memories and so The Bossman became a hero of the people. What could go wrong, it's not like a angry ex-inmate is going to somehow go to his new job and remind people he used to be a real piece of shit
Right?
Enter Nailz. A mysterious man who became cutting promos about The Big Bossman and their complicated past. According to Nailz, The Big Bossman beat the shit out of him for years before WWF and now Nailz was finally out and able to seek revenge. I guess that isn't that complicated. Nailz began attacking The Bossman and carrying his own nightstick. Surely the crowd would get behind this poor soul. Well Ray Traylor should have changed is gimmick to The Ultimate Gaslight because he was somehow the hero in this story. Despite the fact IT WAS ONLY THREE YEARS EARLIER he was beating people up with his nightstick, the crowds went... nope ....We stand with Bossman. Bunch of Bootlickers. If that storyline happens that way now, no way Nailz isn't the good guy. Like, we saw Bossman beat people up...on film....there should be repercussion's.
Oh wait, I forgot we live in America .
There's more to be written about how the storyline really stands as a microcosm of a modern view of policing in America, but I got a squash match to write about.
It's November 1992 on WWF Superstars as Nailz will be taking on the wimpy known as Ken Johnson. Nailz is out first with his nightstick and his ominous receding hairline. People who are going bald from the front, but not shaved have a tendency to be intimidating. I'm not one to victim shame, but perhaps Nailz would have a better chance reintegrating with society if he stopped wearing his prison clothes all the time. I think prospective employers are probably turned off by his DOC Orange jumpsuit he wears . Ken Nelson has a bleach blond mullet because of course he does. Not all wrestlers have bleach blond mullets but all bleach blond mullets are on wrestlers. Match underway and NAILZ ALL OVER JOHNSON WITH A...a choke.
Oh boy, this is gonna be one of those.
Nailz just practicing for when he strangles Vince McMahon in like 3 months. He gets plenty of practice as he drags Johnson to the other corner of the ring and chokes him there some more. The 50 Shades of Grey of Pro wrestling over here. I know he's a inmate without wrestling training, but can do something else.? In fact yes, he does do something else, he grabs him by the hair and slams him. I feel personally attacked. Somehow he learned about Irish Whipping in the joint as he Irish Whips Johnson into the corner. Johnson falls on the mat so Nailz takes advantage with MORE CHOKING. This time is with his foot. Progress? Nope he goes back to hand choke. This is awful. He takes Johnson up and whips him into the ropes and NAILZ DOES A LEAPFROG. John comes comes back and NAILZ HITS A VERY LAME CLOTHESLINE BUT JOHNSON FOLDS HIMSELF UP LIKE SN ACCORDION. Good on Johnson trying to make it work, but the physics of that move look ridiculous. Nailz stalking Johnson around the ring and
HE'S GONNA...
HE'S GONNA...
HE"S GONNA CHOKE HIM AGAIN.
This match is reshaping my entire political belief. Bossman was right. I'm getting a blue line bumper sticker. Nailz again with an Irish Whip and catches Johnson in a sleeper, WHICH IS BASICALLY A DIFFERENT KIND OF CHOKE, for the win.
Holy shit that may be the worst squash match I've ever seen. That was so bad. SO BAD you guys. There's nothing prison-industrial complex about it, that was simply trash. Like, was the Nailz gimmick that bad or was the wrestler behind the gimmick that bad. God, I wish he gave me something. Throw a punch. Drop an elbow.
Sweep a Leg
TLDR Review
I hated this. Really hated this. Like fucking man, I don't have jokes I'm just mad
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