I’m going to find this fucking John Nord in WCW banger match if it’s the last thing I do.
God I hope that’s not actually the last thing I do. I’m an atheist who hedges his bets, so let’s assume I meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I really don’t want my lasting legacy to be, “remembered the guy who used to be The Berzerker had a good match in WCW once, then forgot about it, then remembered it again”. If that’s my legacy so be it, but I want the quest for the John Nord WCW Banger to not be a footnote, but rather an epic tale. Ben wept for their for no more John Nord matches left to watch kind of crap. I want it t be the Odyssey, but instead of fighting a cyclops I fight the YouTube algorithm that denies certain videos in my region. A POX UPON YOUR HOUSE SIR. At this point in the story, we’ve already met the two protagonists. Myself and John Nord in WCW. We have set forth on our hero's journey to retrieve the lost WCW banger. Now, our characters must develop more complex motivations. Now we begin to test our moral aptitude. Now we must see just how far our hero is willing to go to achieve his goals. When hope seems dim, will he turn to the dark side.
Will he turn to Bill Goldberg?
Look, Bill Goldberg isn’t evil. He seems like a nice guy. But, he ended Bret Hart’s career so you know fuck that guy. Besides, this works for the bit better. Anyways, back to my literary prose that awarded me numerous compliments from English teachers and somehow didn't translate into many dates. In all great heroic tales, there comes a point where the hero must put their trust in a character who doesn’t appear to be the most trustworthy. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, and sometimes it does work out, like Sting in Ready to Rumble.
I don’t see any problems comparing those two works of fiction, they're basically equally good.
That's not True
Ready to Rumble is better
That’s where we’ve reached this in the quest for the John Nord WCW Banger. I really need a better name for this whole deal. We’re still early in the search so I don’t want to say I’ve gotten desperate, but I really have no idea where to find the match and so I think Goldberg is a solid next step. I’ve criticized the Goldberg squash match formula in other entries, but I think John Nord may be the exception. Goldberg squashes are fun when he either 1. Absolutely kills a little guy or 2. Absolutely kills a big Guy. Regular sized guys, get the fuck outta here. So maybe the John Nord WCW banger wasn’t a John Nord squash match, maybe it was a John Nord Squashed match?
There’s only one way to find out as we take a look at this July 4th edition of WCW Worldwide. John Nord is out first in yet another iron on shirt. This one remarking IF YOU DONT LIKE ME ( SEE BACK) THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. As a professional thrifter, every time I see one of John Nord’s shirts I can’t help but picture them in the XXXL section alongside a “ I”M NOT AN ASSHOLE I’M JUST SARCASTIC” and “ YOU LAUGH BECAUSE IM DIFFERENT, I LAUGH BECAUSE YOU’RE ALL THE SAME” shirts. Goldberg is out next and he looks like, well Goldberg. He looks the same like he always looks, like a friggin shit brickhouse. The match underway and JOHN NORD IS STILL WEARING HIS SUNGLASSES! The original Orange Cassidy. Nord is actually a little bit bigger than Goldberg so this’ll be interesting. He tells Goldberg to give him a second while he puts away his glasses and spins around with A HUGE BIG BOOT. Jesus Christ, Johnny Nord has have some loosey goosey hamstrings to pull that off. Nord celebrates, but Goldberg pops up and clotheslines Nord over the top rope. While the idea was that he clotheslines Nord, instead Nord gets tangled and very very slowly goes over the top to the floor. Clotheslines over the top looks so good when it’s good, but I don’t know if any move looks worse when it’s bad. Nord tries to pull Goldberg out from under the ropes, but Goldberg kicks him off and comes outside to attack Nord on his own terms. He rolls Nord into the ring, but Nord .ever the veteran. attacks Goldberg on the apron and continues to attack Goldberg once he enters the ring. Big punches and kicks from John Nord, before a BIG back body drop from Goldberg.
Jesus.
Nord tumbles through the ropes and to the floor while looking like a goof, in a good way. Nord and Goldberg exchange kicks to the gut before Nord shoots Goldberg into the ropes. Goldberg ducks a big boot attempt and KILLS NORD WITH A SPEAR. Nord’s head actually snaps off the bottom rope. I can’t imagine where Billy got the reputation for being unsafe. The rest of this is academic as Goldberg hits the Jackhammer for the win.
This isn’t the John Nord WCW banger, but we’re getting closer. This is a four minute hoss fight, which is the best kind of fight. Nord bumped way more than I ever expected him too and he made Goldberg look great. Goldberg did his Goldberg thing which is beat the shit out of a guy and do a move that looks like it could have seriously hurt him. Luckily it just looked like it hurt John Nord instead of actually hurting him, like you know…Bret Hart. We haven’t found the John Nord WCW Banger, but there’s hope on the horizon. Join me my Sancha Panzas as we ride the countryside looking for the match, who knows maybe the next windmill will feature a Wi-Fi-connection and we can find it there.
The impossible dream
TLDR Review
The John Nord WCW Banger is still out there. I hate Goldberg but I love his spear. The most niche shit ever would be to recreate the John Nord WCW shirts