Heavenly Bodies vs. Larry Santo & Todd Morton WWF Wrestling Challenge 03-19-1995
For the first time in my life I've committed to the bit of having a mustache.
I say its a bit because I feel like I'm playing a joke on people that they aren't laughing it. Nobody is selling it. Don't they know I look ridiculous? I feel like I need to explain my thought process, because this blog isn't going to rise up the google rankings without needlessly padding my entries dammit. It's getting to be the summer and so it's that time of years where I try to be less of a neckbeard, both in my facial hair and in my personality. In the winter I usually I don't shave and grow a lackluster beard. It's never once come in looking right, but I'm an optimist so I keep growing it out hoping one day I'll grow one like James Harden. In the summer though, those muggy New England nights mean that few things feels as disgusting as a sweaty chin. So, I have to actually shave my face. Before you ask, yes every time I do it I immediately sing Needle in the Hay and pretend I'm Luke Wilson in Royal Tenenbaums ( minus the suicide attempt ). I'm a sideburns man usually, Daniel Plainview's original and less successful business pitch, but I've dabbled in mustachery before. I think every dude has a mustache for a little while when they hit their twenties. It's part of trying to become an adult. The problem was everyone in my generation assumed adulthood was based more on facial hair than actual responsibility. All I'm saying is lot of us spent the late 2000s cosplaying as dads at a barbeque. Now though, I am a borderline almost adult. So I decided that you know what? I'm going to have a mustache. I've tried it out and I liked it. Maybe people aren't laughing because I don't look as as stupid as I think I do. Maybe having a mustache doesn't mean you look sleazy. You know, maybe I just look like an upstanding member of society just with a little caterpillar above my lip.
And then I see a match with Jimmy Del Rey and go, nope I look like a fucking creep.
Jimmy Del Rey came into my life as one half of The Heavenly Bodies with Tom Prichard when they showed up in WWF. They may have been the first wrestlers I ever found to be scuzzy. Honestly though, Jimmy is the one who carried the sleaziness. Some wrestlers oozed machismo, Jimmy Del Rey oozed slime. I didn't know a lot about the real world as a little kid, but I knew that that dude was gross. He had his gross mustache, he had his gross little pot belly, and he had his unnerving sexy dancing. Stupid Sexy Jimmy Del Rey. His nickname of "Gigolo" is maybe one of the most apt nicknames a wrestler ever had. He looks like the kind of guy who would seduce an old widower and then live out the rest of his days as her cabana boy. I bet there's some lady in Knoxville who got herself wrapped up in a Sunset Boulevard situation with Jimmy. I feel bad, because I have almost nothing to say about Dr. Tom Prichard in this, which is a shame. Dr. Tom is a great wrestler, both as a singles and a tag team. His influence in wrestling spreads far and wide. He's great
But,
All my memories about the Heavenly Bodies were just about the gyrations of Gigolo Jimmy. I am eternally jealous of Dr. Tom's beautiful mane, but how can you not only remember Gigolo Jimmy. I know people say they were a great tag team and I'm sure they were, but it doesn't matter because all I can see if haunting images of Jimmy Del Rey rubbing his hairy belly. Let's see if there's more than meets the eyes. I say eyes because the image of Gigolo Jimmy's Sexy dance is burned into both my retinas for ever.
It's March 1995 as The Heavenly Bodies of Jimmy Del Ray and Tom Prichard do battle with Larry Santo and Todd Morton on Wrestle Challenge. Jim Cornette is out first to zero music, awkward, to introduce Jimmy and Dr. Tom. It just dawned on me right now that they are called The Heavenly Bodies and Jimmy Del Rey has a gut
Genius
The Bodies have these fancy robes that to me don't fit the gimmick. There's no way Jimmy Del Rey could sex enough women to get that good an outfit. He should be wearing something from Salvation Army. As the disrobe the camera goes to a wide shot which means we are spared the Jimmy Del Rey Gigolo Shuffle. Kevin Dunn isn't always bad. People are complex. Their opponents tonight are Todd Morton and Larry Santo. Todd is the cousin of Ricky Morton, as if you couldn't tell by the fact he's dressed like a dollar store member of the Rock n Roll Express. The Roc N Roll Express. Couldn't afford the K. or they were Charles S Dutton fans.
Take your pick of which bad joke you prefer.
Larry Santo is best known as a legendary WCW jobber and I think it was him that Mick Foley referred to as having " the ugliest tights in the business". Larry has his own jacket he takes off, WITHOUT GYRATING JIMMY, which means he's an executive wimpy. First class at getting ass, kicked. I've heard a lot of praise of The Heavenly Bodies as a wimpy wrestling team, so this'll be interesting. Dr. Tom and Larry Santo start out and god Larry Santo's tights are indeed ugly. What isn't ugly is that beautiful mane on Dr. Tom. I guess technically it's a mullet, but who cares I'd kill for that amount of volume. Dr. Tom grabs a headlock, and Santo tries to reverse Tom into the ropes but Tom hits a shoulder block. Santo tries a hiptoss, but Prichard counters with his own. He's the Doctor for a reason. What, reason I don't know...but there has to be a reason right? Santo actually kicks Tom off him and hits a nice babyface armdrag. The move itself was fine, but it was the kind of armdrag a nice babyface does. As evidenced by the "C"MON BABY" he does after the move .
That's a life hack if you ever feel unsupported. Just pump your arms and yell CMON BABY at whoever you need support from. It did wonders for my relationship with my father.
Todd Morton tags in who is the pro wrestling version of a" But we have Ricky Morton at home" meme. Regardless of his status as the Family Dollar version of Ricky, Todd is able to keep on Dr. Tom pretty well with a headlock until a Dr. Tom leapfrog leads to a cheap shot by Jimmy Del Rey which leads into a Dr. Tom DDT. The Butterfly effect, but in pro wrestling . Tom is able to tag in Gigolo Jimmy now, with his gross gut and his grosser mullet. Jimmy looks like the kind of guy who goes to a tractor pull to pick up chicks. His idea of picking up chicks is physically lifting them so they are impressed with him. Gigolo with some heavy shots followed up a really, stiff body slam. I don't like saying stiff in an article about a gigolo gimmick. Jimmy grabs Todd in a wheelbarrow and lifts him up into a HUGE facebuster It's a move that I cannot decide if it looks sloppy or superb.
Dr. Tom gets back in, and the Bodies displaying the innovative tag offense of lets both punch the guy.
Dr. Tom goes solo which allows Morton makes a comeback. I guess Gigolo really was the heart of the team eh? Every time Tom is in he gets his ass kicked. Morton makes a rolling hot tag to Santo to a less than thunderous response. I think this is the first wimpy hot tag I've ever seen. Santo unloads on Dr/ Tom with some of the worst punches I've seen in this blog, I have PTSD.
Punches that suck dude
.He rushes Tom in the corner, but Tom hits a spin kick to the stomach and Santo drops like he's been shot. Dr. Tom hits Santo with a rad gut wrench powerbomb. Gigolo tagged in and MOONSAULT BY THE GIGOLO FOR THE WIN. Jimmy's moonsault isn't pretty but it's pretty effective. After the match they celebrate and OH NO THE CAMERA FOUND THE GIGOLO DANCE. MY EYES. THE GOOGLES THEY DO NOTHING
This was ok, but I know there has to be more to the Heavenly Bodies. This was a wimpy match with a lot of bland wimpy offense, so in that sense it is disappointing. Not a lot to say about Dr. Tom who spent most of the match letting the babyfaces get offense in. Not indicative of his abilities, but he didn't leave a lot to write about here. Jimmy Del Rey on the other hand is fascinating. He had a lot of weird and cool moves and mannerisms so I'm excited to see him more in the blog. As long as he never dances again
His gyrations are hypnotic, like a lava lamp.
TLDR Review
Dr. Tom got his PHD in bumping and feeding. Jimmy Del Rey almost certainly got gonorrhea multiple times. Tom Pritchard is to Dr. Tom what Todd Morton is to Dr. Thunder.
If you're interested in more condensed version of my thoughts, You can check out my Twitter where I talk about wrestling or stress out during Boston Celtics games. Hell, I'll even take suggestions for matches you want to see reviewed. You can also check out my Youtube where I make weird videos where I put on wigs in front of a camera to mask my true identity.