The Samoan Swat Team (Rikishi & Samu) vs The Littles MECW ??-??-1999
The Misfits are my favorite band
I'm pale with black hair, so I'm not sure if I had a say in the matter. I'm pretty sure they mail Static Age to your house once you either develop a shitty teenage attitude or your skin pigment dips below alabaster. You become an alabastard if you will. I've heard people criticize The Misfits and say they suck, but music is subjective. Besides, people who say that listen to garbage. Not Shirley Manson, but their musical taste is hot trash. The Misfits are my favorite band for the same reason everyone's favorite band is everyone's favorite band, because I heard them when I was a teenager. That's basically why we all like the things we like Unless you were a teenager in the late 80s I don't want to hear about how much you love Til' Tuesday. Yes I know the lead singer had an illustrious career as an indie artist DONT AIMEE MANNSPLAIN ME. There's something about Danzig, Jerry Only, Doyle, and insert random drummer here that really spoke to a teenaged Ben. Maybe it was because I liked skeletons so goddamn much. So you could imagine how excited I was in the past few years when I found out my favorite band was going to start playing together. Doyle, Danzig, Jerry, and I must reiterate I don't give a shit who the drummer was, back together again. I had to see them right.
Never even crossed my mind
That's not true. Maybe if they were playing next door. And I didn't have plans. And I didn't have my shoes off. Then maybe I'd go see them. Other than that, I haven't gone out of my way. I don't think it makes me any less of a fan, it's just more because I can't imagine seeing The Misfits now would live up to what my fourteen year old self would want. God bless Danzig, Doyle, Jerry and some drummer , but punk is a young man's game. That's why I call teenagers on my lawn "a bunch of young punks", because I'm old now. I'm not even that old compared to the band. Glenn's getting so up there in age he should start singing "Grandmother". It's not that I'm even opposed to seeing older bands, hell my first concert was when The Police reunited. But with The Misfits it's different. I wouldn't expect utter chaos at a Police concert, but I'd be disappointed if The Misfits were tame. I can't imagine they can bring the ruckus like they used to.
I have the same fear about the Samoan Swat Team in this match
We're going to party like it's 1999 as The Samoan Swat Team take on The Littles for MECW. Lot to unpack here, so let's work backwards. MECW is a company I'd never heard of until recently when uploads of their television started appearing on YouTube. It was a Nashville based promotion that apparently had weekly TV and a lot of the Memphis stalwarts showed up. PG-13, Steve Doll, Chris Champion, Lauren Broebert's biological father, yadda yadda yadda. There isn't a lot more info I could find, and hell I don't even have the dates for the show, but what stood out so much to me was The Samoan Swat Team. I didn't realize they were even teaming past The Headshrinkers in WWF run. I thought they maybe did some one-off reunions, but I didn't realize they were actively working together still. Later this year Fatu will debut on WWF Television as Rikishi, which makes this an even weirder match. They're out first and they are massive compared to how they were when I last saw them in the early 90s. Especially Fatu who's putting on the pounds. His ass like Nikita Lyons but Fatu's is all natural babay. The Swat Team's gear is disappointingly simple, as it looks like they're just wearing black sweatpants. Perhaps what is most egregious of all, they're wearing shoes. That's some bullshit man. This does not bode well for my expectations. Accompanying them tonight is their manager Paul Adams whos dressed like every Yuppie jerk stockbroker in a John Hughes movie. Their opponents tonight are The Littles. They wear overalls over torn flannel shirts. They appear to be redneck Dudley Boyz except instead f Joel Gertner, they are managed by "The Little Little" who is a little person. They look like they were the results of generations of inbreeding to create the perfect wimpy. I don't know their names, announcers never tell us so I'm going to call them Grady and Stuart. Stuart because that movie annoys me, and Grady because THAT PIECE OF SHIT SHOULD HAVE FUCKING PULL PEDRO MARTINEZ IN THE 2003 ALCS The Littles attack The SST and it goes about as great as you expect.
Not Great Bob.
The SST no sell the offense and get to work. A Big gutwrench suplex by Samu to Grady Littlewhile Fatu barely grazes Stuart Little with a clothesline. The SST whip Grady into the ropes and A HUGE BACK BODYDROP THAT GRADY TAKES A FLIP BUMP FOR. He got a stupid amount of airtime there. Holy shit. Samu hits the world's slowest spin kick and some chops in the corner. Grady tries to mount some offense, but Samu catches him with a spinning facebuster. Samu is moving so slow man, it's kind of sad to see. Fatu tags in with the ass that even Toni Storm says, ok that's too much. Fatu forces Grady to tag in Stuart and he quickly lays out Stuart with a superkick. It is so odd seeing him do the Rikishi offense before he becomes Rikishi
LIKE THE RIKISHI DRIVER HE JUST HIT
. That move rules. A staple of all of my No Mercy CAWs. The frustrating thing is the SST are clearly a step slower here. They're doing cool moves but there's too much walking around between bouts of destructio. Some would call it methodical, I would call that bullshit. Methodical is usually wrestling codeword for lazy, slow, or boring. Fatu hit's an ok sitout powetbomb, but decides he doesn't want the cover and tags back in Samu. Double Headbutts from the SST, which I won't call boring because it's a Samoan match...it's kind of their deal. Samu with a dropkick to Stuart Little and puts him on the second rope and SECOND ROPE BACKDROP. God, I missed that move. The camera positioned just right so it looked like he was crashing into our living room. Samu tags in Fatu and he's gonna do the deal. TOP ROPE SPLASH for the win. THAT MOVE STILL LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. Post match Little Little attacks the SST.
Oh no this won't end well.
Samu lays out Little Little with a TKO cutter and Fatu climbs the top rope AND A SPLASH OFF THE TOP TO THE LITTLE LITTLE. Wrestling is insane. The SST drape a white sheet over Little Little because he's dead now?
This was mostly what I feared. God bless the SST, maybe the greatest squash tag team of all time, but this was pretty bad. They weren't just a step slower, they were the whole staircase. However, when they played the hits man did they play the fuck out of those hits. The signature SST moves were awesome, it was just the in between. The back body drop, the superkicks, and of course The Splash off the top. That top rope splash almost saved the whole match for me. It was beautiful and brutal. The Splash off the top is what I imagine hearing The Misfits play Skulls live would be.
The Second Splash live is what I imagine hearing Them play Hybrid Moments while assaulting a little person would sound like
TLDR Review
Samoan Suck Team. The littles stood little chance. I like to change the words of Last Caress to "I got something to say, I ate a bagel today...it doesn't matter much to me as long as it's bread."
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