Don Muraco vs Captain Badd UWF Fury Hour 02-15-1991
If you read the title of this entry and thought, "maybe this match will surprise me". It will not. This is going to be exactly what your gut was telling it was. It is going to be Badd. This match has all the hallmarks of a bad squash match. First we have an older version of Don Muraco. I do like Don Muraco .Don will be definitely showing up later in the blog because Don was super fun during some squash matches, including at one point eating a meatball sub during a match. He was someone who seemed to get that you had to do something to stand out in those situations. The problem is Don is way past his prime here. He's 42 years old and he's not so much "The Rock" anymore as much as he's " Fucking 42 years old with a thick fucking belly". Also working against this match is the fact it's in Herb Abrams' UWF. UWF was a legendary flop of a wrestling company run by a man who thought he could compete with Vince McMahon. Some say he lacked hubris, other say it's because he was a coked out psycho. Little of column a, lot of column b. There's far too much about Herb Abrams for me to explain, so just know that UWF has their own Dark Side of the Ring episode . Nobody gets a Dark Side of the Ring because everything went swimmingly. Lastly, we have maybe the best jobber name of all time
Captain Badd
That's the only reason I watched this match, because I wanted to see Captain Badd. The Captain is just a guy in a mask. That's It. I had pictured a nautical themed wrestler or an army captain, but no Captain Badd is just a guy in a mask. I'm not even disappointed because it's appropriate. It certainly is Badd.
I know writers who use subtext and they're all cowards
This match could main event any arena in the country if you don't care about drawing fans. Both men are in shape, because I guess round is a technically shape. I'm not the slimmest knife in the drawer, but these fellas look like they've been using the butter knife just to eat butter. Craig DeGeorge and Bruno Sammartino on commentary for this one. God Bless Sammartino. He is one of the baddest asses in the history of pro wrestling. He hid from the Nazis, escaped Italy, came to America, and became world champion. He is the American Dream. I love and appreciate Bruno. But god, he absolutely sucks as an announcer. After tension you could cut with a knife, but do it quickly before these two eat butter with it, Muraco and Badd lock up. Muraco shoves Badd into the ropes in a display of strength. Now the cat and mouse game begins as they circle each other....and circle each other some more....and still circling. Still circling. BADD GRABS A HEADLOCK. How will Muraco escape the dreaded headlock?
Oh he'll send him into the ropes and hiptoss him.
That was easy. Captain Badd says he pulled the tights. I wish Badd pulled his tights up , we'd see less of his weird belly. We jump right back into the action with.... a test of strength. Muraco wins quickly and hits Badd with a knee that causes Badd to fly into the air in a most unnecessary manner. Muraco gets Badd up and puts him in the devastating....squish your face move. You know that classic wrestling move where you hold their cheeks together like an aunt trying to kiss you. Strangler Lewis invented that. But Badd, ever the crafty veteran counters with an eye rake. Then he unloads massive blows onto Don Muraco's back followed up devastating half punches to Muraco's chest.
To the untrained eye it looks like Badd's punches aren't making contact, but it must be because he's throwing them so fast.
Muraco has had enough and counters with a throat thrust and a chop. Muraco finally getting some rhythm as he does that no arm pedigree thing where they jump and guy taking it goes, oh no my neck hurts now. That move. Badd staggers up and DON MURACO WITH A CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL. That's not true. If you showed a Catholic that clothesline from hell they'd become an atheist because there's no way the devil would be real. It doesn't stop Captain Badd from flopping like a dead fish from it. Badd won't stay down though as he hits another George Foreman-esque punch to Muraco's bread basket. Breadbasket is appropriate because his tummy is full of butter. Muraco in trouble now, down on one knee and CAPTAIN BADD IS CLIMBING THE TOP ROPE. WHAT DOES HE HAVE IN MIND. HES GOING TO.
Oh nevermind , Muraco casually walks over and grabs Badd and throws him off the top.
Muraco then just starts punching Badd in the face and HES TWISTING BADD'S MASK AROUND. HE'S CHEATING REF. Badd stagggers around the ring as Muraco punches him in the face repeatedly. SOMEONE STOP THE DAMN MATCH. Muraco picks up Badd and ONE ARMED TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER FOR THE WIN. Badd is convulsing on the mat. We need an ambulance. We need EMTS. We need...nope he's fine. He stopped shaking. We're good
That was bad, and you can tell it's bad because I sort of lost my mind a bit reviewing it. I know you're thinking this entry was too mean and bitter and I should be happy .I've cultivated a minor following even if I have to watch crap like that. Oh great, this blog is making people happy. I'm the magical writer from happy land and I live in a gumdrop house on loolllliipoooppppp lane
I was being Sarcastic
Well duh
TLDR Review
Whole. Thing. Sucked
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