Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs Marty Garner WWF Superstars 06-01-1996
I think Triple H might be the worst wrestler of all time
I know I'm being a little bit ESPN First Takey with that take, ironically the first of this blog entry, but I'm about 80 percent sure I believe it. I'm reserving a 20 percent chance that I'm either forgetting someone I enjoy less or that I'm letting my biases cloud my judgement. And believe me I am biased. I lived through the HHH reign of terror of the 2000s in WWE. It was awful. I've seen some revisionist history of " WWE needed a heel" and " actually the matches were good" , and I've prepared a thoughtful and measured response
Fuck off Dude
I know we aren't supposed to endorse gatekeeping in pro wrestling, but I'm building a wall right in front of 2000s WWE . It wasn't very good, we didn't have DVR, and there was literally no other pro wrestling on Television. I'm torn because part of me thinks there is no way HHH is as bad as I think he is, but the other part of me thinks there's no way HHH isn't as as bad as I think he is.
Everything HHH does looks clean. HHH never takes liberties or hurts guys. HHH works a match around psychology. That's all well in good. He's still the worst. Now this is the part where people usually like to point out legendarily bad wrestlers like El Gigante or Nailz. I thought about them. Still better. I get some sick enjoyment out of El Gigante or Nailz. Obviously they aren't good at wrestling, but they are fun to watch. They're like watching Samurai Cop and HHH is like watching a 2001:A Space Odyssey. Yes 2001 is technically fantastic and yes 2001 is revered amongst filmmakers. That's great. I don't give a fuck. I'm not a filmmaker. It's slow and its boring and it's way too long, just like Triple H Matches. You know what happens in Samurai Cop? The villain tells his henchmen he wants a head on a piano. That's the raddest shit ever. It's a bad movie, but I'd rather watch bad movies and bad wrestling than something so dull. So, now you know how much I hate HHH
Imagine my pain at having to put him in the squash match hall of fame
It's a 1996 edition of WWF Superstars and a pre-Degeneration X Hunter Hearst Helmsley is taking on Marty Garner. This is of course the original snobby version of The Triple H character. The Waspiest of Wasps. His opponent is Marty Garner, known to some as Cham-Pain. That is first name Marty, last name Garner. Marty was part of the OMEGA Wrestling crew with The Hardys, Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, and others. He never broke out of that scene, but I'm starting a conspiracy theory he went to Canada and became Sexxxy Eddy's dad. He probably only looks like him in this pixelated state, but give me a break I'm trying to make the best of having to sit through a HHH match. Match underway and HHH displays some chain wrestling before slapping Marty across the face. We then get a picture in picture promo from HHH which is about as boring as almost every Wrestlemania match n he ever had. Hunter hits a fireman carry and does the Hunter Hearst Helmsley bow. I'll give him credit, this version of HHH is my favorite. He is so good at playing a smug asshole. Weird. Hunter turns his back on Garner and Garner hits a dropkick. HHH counters with a hiptoss, but Garner lands on his feet and hits a hiptoss of his own. Garner getting some momentum comes off the ropes but HHH counters into an incredibly slow Backbreaker. HHH brings Garner into the corner for some strikes in the corner. He whips Garner into the ropes and hits the high knee. Haha Butts. It's probably my favorite move HHH does and it does look great here. Now if you've never seen this match before, you must be wondering how it could possibly make the hall of fame if I've been shitting on it the whole time.
Because of one move
Triple H calls for the pedigree and signals the match is over. I believe the story is that Garner had never seen the pedigree and thought it as some sort of suplex. As HHH leaps up Marty went in the wrong direction AND SPIKED HIMSELF ON NHIS HEAD. IT IS ASBOLUTELY DISGUSTING. It is a clip that everyone has seen 1000 times, but especially if you were in the file-sharing era of pro wrestling. I've seen that pixelated clip played on a million editions of Window Media Player, Real Players, and probably friggin' Winamp or some shit. It is a legendary squash match moment and despite my hatred of HHH and the lackluster quality of the match, it has to make the Hall of Fame.
But I want to be clear, I still hate HHH
TLDR Review
I don't like HHH. I do like this finish. I don't like HHH
If you're interested in more condensed version of my thoughts, You can check out my Twitter where I talk about wrestling or stress out during Boston Celtics games. Hell, I'll even take suggestions for matches you want to see reviewed. You can also check out my Youtube where I make weird videos where I put on wigs in front of a camera to mask my true identity.