Hak (The Sandman) vs Bull Payne WCW Saturday Night 05-08-1999
"Do you think the original band name was Metallic, but when James Hetfield pitched it he prounced it as Metallic-AH"
It was 1 AM, on the way home from the Providence Dave and Buster's when a friend of mine asked me that question. It may be quite possibily the funniest thing anyone has ever said to me. The kind of laughter that took over my body where I thought, this is how I die...laughing at James Hetfield's weird verbal quirks. I didn't even have o question the joke, I understood exactly what he meant. If you were born in the 80s and had even a casual interest in rock music, you liked Metallica. I'm not going to pretend I'm a die-hard Metallica fan. I was once exposed during a game of Rock Band for not knowing the words to Ride the Lightning and my friends have made fun of me for 15 years for it. As a kid, I first saw Metallica on MTV with the Until It Sleeps video and though I thought the band was pronounced " Met-a-licka" I was captivated. This was the short-haired too Metallica, that was the Metallica I grew up with. The Metallica of Load and...Re-load. Admittedly, not the cleverest of album names. I was still a kid when those albums came out, I hadn't really formed my musical opinions ye, .but in 2003 I was 15 and I was ready. Finally, a Metallica album is coming out. I was so amped, especially when MTV was going to do a World Premiere video. I had liked Metallica for a long time, but this album was going to be when I loved Metallica. Alright Metallica, what's the name of this again?
St. Anger
To quote professional wrestler Robert "Hardcore" Holly.
Whole thing sucked.
That album is not only disappointing, but its really bad. So much hype, so much promise and it sounds so watered down. Too overproduced and lacks the raw energy that is a great Metallica song. I tried to go back last year and listening to all of St Anger. I really thought, there has to be a good song on here. People were just being mean. Nope. Whole thing sucks. I double checked. The only part I enjoyed was that now I randomly like to tell people my lifestyle determines my deathstyle. It's just not what I thought Metallica should be.
Ray Charles can see the next analogy coming and he's dead, but my hypothesis is that Sandman in WCW is a pro wrestling version of St. Anger. The Sandman connection to Metallica is obvious, but maybe the St Anger one requires a bit of explanation. The Sandman was the counter-culture hero of ECW, a smoking, drinking badass with little disregard for the bodies of himself or his opponents. In 1998 Sandman decided it was time for a change and jumped to WCW, becoming Hak. Hak is basically a watered, corporate version of The Sandman. He looks like Sandman, he wrestles like Sandman, he is for all intenses and purposes The Sandman with a different name. But sort of how St Anger can have all the Metallica ingredients and still come out missing something, that is Hak in WCW. Both Hak and St Anger were disappointing and ultimately didn't live up to goals. Now keep in mind, that is just my hypothesis. Who knows, maybe Hak had a sneaky fun run I'm mis-rememering. Maybe I'm missing something, like an invisible kid. That's a St Anger song. I can't tell if I hate that album or ironically like or actually like it. No, I hate it
Here we are for a WCW Saturday Night match in May of 1999, as Hak will be taking on Bull Payne. If you look up the word journeyman in the dictionary, you get the definition of the word journeyman which Bull Payne is. He will definitely be showing up more in this blog and when he does we can go into his story because he's worked everywhere man. This is the era of Hak where he was accompanied by his valet and kayfabe Raven sister Chastity. Also, god bless Hak choosing that his gear is just a Hawaiian shirt. I love when a guy is making six figures and it's clear he went to Sal's Boutique before the show and grabbed something on sale. ALWAYS CHECK THE COLOR OF THE DAY WHEN YOU WALK IN TO GET DEALS. Hak does a modified version of The Sandman entrance, only without the beer....
or the cigarette...
or going into the crowd...
or Enter Sandman.
Basically he just sorta walks around ringside a bunch. This is eating up too much time. Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock. I should also mention, this is a No-DQ match. That definitely won't come into play. Match begins with Hak distracting Bull so Chastity can spray him with a Fire Extinguisher. This allows Hak to use a Kendo-Stick assisted White Russian Leg Sweep. Hak then gets a table from under the ring. I don't trust those tables. They're so dirty. Clearly something is off, because Hak and Chastity keep looking for weapons, but they can't find any. Hak isn't on an hourly rate, he's on salary so he's gotta get this match over with. He puts Bull Payne on the table and climbs the top rope. He jumps off with a Swanton bomb through the table onto Bull Payne for the win. Swanton Bomb sounds a lot better than the truth which was front flip through he almost undershot and landed on the back of his head.
Ok, so it doesn't actively suck. The match is serviceable and fine, but the Hak presentation is so soulless. He's basically The Sandman, except they cut out everything he did cool. They just kept the buzzwords. He's Pro Wrestling Poochie. The Sandman is awesome, but Hak...Hak ain't it
Hak gimmick round his neck, he never gets respect
TLDR Review
Sandman > Hak. Reload> St Anger. Metallica>Metallc
If you're interested in more condensed version of my thoughts, You can check out my Twitter where I talk about wrestling or stress out during Boston Celtics games. Hell, I'll even take suggestions for matches you want to see reviewed. You can also check out my Youtube where I make weird videos where I put on wigs in front of a camera to mask my true identity.