The Toxic Turtles vs Ron Preston and Tommy Stevenson Unaired WWF Wrestling Challenge 03-09-1993
Seeing a nude scene with your dad is uncomfortable enough, but seeing it in a crowded theater when you're 14 is even worse.
I had convinced my dad that I absolutely, positively needed to see Freddy vs Jason on opening night. It's not that he had anything against horror movies and didn't want to me to see it, it's just he...didn't want to go . At the time I didn't understand it, but now I can't help but relate. I love watching movies but going to the movie theater....I don't know man.. Until we get teleportation going my Letterboxed is always going to be lacking. Back to the boobs. Within the first two minutes of the movie there was a nude scene and I felt my dad sort of awkwardly squirm in his seat.
Shit was on
What followed was a movie I still love. I know it has it's flaws and I know it's very very very 2000s, but I had such a blast. It was my first R-rated movie in a theater. Ever since I was a kid I liked Jason Voorhees, even if I never was able to see his films. His films, like he's frigging Kurosawa. He didn't scare me like he scared other kids, he was just a big guy in the mask that looked cool. As I got older I tried to get more into horror. Listen, I was chubby, pale , into heavy metal and had long black hair....in retrospect I think I was trying to shape my personality into what it seemed destined to become.
The problem is, I'm a big old scaredy-cat.
So anything involving aliens, ghosts, home invaders, etc.....no thank you. I can watch them now, but I usually just get too stressed to enjoy myself. The only movies that don't stress me out are the Slasher movies. I appreciated that they didn't take themselves too seriously and the later Friday the 13th and Nightmar on Elm Streets had humor. Ever since I was little, there was talk of a Freddy vs Jason movie. I still remember being in 1st grade and a whole recess being spent with arguing who would win. There is no way any of us had seen a single second of a Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th movie, but we had strong Seven Year Old Opinions. 1., Chocolate Milk is better than Regular Milk and 2, Jason would kick Freddy's ass. So flashing back to that theater that night, I had such high expectations for a movie I'd been talking about for close to a decade. In my opinion, it delivered. It gave me what I wanted and did something special. It combined two things I loved...Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger. It took two things I was a fan of and mashed them into something great.
This match did not do that.
I love when pro wrestling takes an influence from popular culture. Sometimes you get something fantastic like Razor Ramon, and other times you get The Toxic Turtles. Played by perennial wimpys and future entries Duane Gill and Barry Hardy, The Toxic Turtles were a WWF attempt to ride the wave of popularity of the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. I was a little boy in the 90s, Phony Turtlemania had not bitten the dust. The turtles were absolutely huge and I was all the way on board. I remember looking at houses with my parents and seeing a kids bedroom with hundreds of turtles merch and begging my parents to buy the house because I thought that'd mean I'd get that room.
HE HAD THE BLIMP GUYS. JUST BLIMPING ABOVE HIS BED
So suffice to say, I get WWF's logic behind this. But either because it was terrible or the obvious I.P infringement ...it never made it to TV. I had never heard about it until the footage got released a few years back on some WWF DVD. I was so excited and flashed back to how I would of felt about this when I was young . I was the primo demo for this because I loved Ninja Turtles AND Pro Wrestling. Let's combine two of my favorite things, I bet it's going to rule
Oh young Ben, you don't know how the world will break your heart.
This Dark match is a WWF Challenge taping and tonight our enhancement talent are Ron Preston and Tommy Stevenson against The Toxic Turtles. The Toxic Turtles are named Tom and Terry Turtle. Yup. What awful, awful names. First off, it's really weird one has a name with a Y and what doesn't. Either call them Tommy and Terry or give them new names.
I think we could solve the current oil shortage with the nightmare fuel that is The Toxic Turtles outfits.
I feel so bad man, because Duane Gill and Barry Hardy are trying so hard here. They clearly want the full-time WWF gig and they're doing everything they can. This is like seeing a bad improv group, just the cringe of it all. The Turtles are trying to get the crowd into it, and I think everyone is either confused or mortified. I don't know which Turtle is which, so I will call them Michelangelo and Leonardo because that's who they're blatantly ripping off. Michelangelo does some Lucha rolls before tagging in Leonardo for a double dropkick. Leo goes for the pin but the wimpy kicks out and Leonard lands on his back. Because he's a turtle he gets stuck and Michaelgelo has to help. I love silly shit and this is silly shit, but....it gets no reaction and it just feels uncomfortable. Very awkward. The Turtles hit some basic offense and now the crowd is booing. These poor, poor turtles. I have to pretend their actual anamorphic Turtles, because my heart can't bear the idea these are real humans bombing this hard. The gimmick is silly enough, but it doesn't help when The Turtles are having a really really boring match. Back elbows and snapmares and there's nothing to this. Finish comes with a slingshot rolling splash onto the wimpy. Get it? Because he uses his shell. So it hurts. Because he's a turtle. The Turtles celebrate by dancing their way down the ramp and out of WWF forever.
Yikes man. This isn't fun bad, this is just bad bad. Maybe watch it to see what the Turtles look like, but past that you aren't missing much. This hurt my soul, this was so bad and they got nothing from the crowd. Second Hand cringe
This never would have happened with a Bucky O Hare gimmick
TLDR Review
Toxic Turtles are Terrible. Jason is better than Freddy. Bucky O Hare is a Funky Fresh Rabbit
If you're interested in more condensed version of my thoughts, You can check out my Twitter where I talk about wrestling or stress out during Boston Celtics games. Hell, I'll even take suggestions for matches you want to see reviewed. You can also check out my Youtube where I make weird videos where I put on wigs in front of a camera to mask my true identity.