Doink The Clown vs Scott Despres WWF Wrestling Challenge 09-12-1993
I can't handle being scared.
I get no real joy out of it. I'm confident enough to take a self-assessment and admit I'm a big old scaredy cat. Also, a real handsome son of a bitch. That is meant to be read in the Stone Cold voice. I pretty much max out at roller coasters as the extent of my willingness to be scared. You will rarely find me watching a horror movie, and I can't handle a haunted house. I spend all my time at haunted houses, nervously looking around and finding the scare actors before they show up. I don't get scared, I get anxious which as you can imagine is super fun to deal with. It's why I don't like comedians either, I don't like taking a trip through their spooky mental haunted houses. With all that being said. With all the caveats I gave you about my unwillingness to deal with terror. With all my admissions about my penchent for self-imposed cowardice. With my theasurus full of words to explain how much of a wuss I am.
I would rather be scared, than unnerved.
And Doink is really fucking unnvering
The thing about being scared is at least it's over pretty quickly. You get that jolt of adrenaline and your heart goes up and you pee yourself a little...I mean..YOU DONT PEE YOURSELF AT ALL. It sucks, but it's over and quick. Being unnvered, that'll stick with you. That aching feeling in you stomach long after it happens. The flashes of anxiety as you stare of into space and try to forget what you saw. Like oatmeal to your ribs, it'll stick with you. All of us have stuff that still haunts us. Things that we've seen that have left us a bit shaken. Sometimes we are Taylor Swift and can shake it off, and other times it permanently internalizes and we are like Taylor Swift and have Bad Blood. There have been plenty of scary wrestlers, but there haven't been many wrestlers who left me feeling unnvered.
None of them can hold a candle to Doink.
I'm not afraid of clowns. I'm afraid of mimes. They say you hate what you don't understand, which is why I hate them. How could someone spend their life not wanting to talk? HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. Regardless of my lack of fear of clown based lifeforms, Doink is a category onto his own. I think it goes without saying but just in case, I am of course am referring to heel Doink when I mentioned how unsettling he was. The only thing unsettling about babyface Doink was how quickly the fans forgot his past transgessions. Fuck that shit. Doink was an evil son of a bitch. Doink showed up in WWF as a clown in the crowd. He would play mean tricks on fans and wrestlers alike. The Evil Clown on it's own is a silly gimmick, but what was not silly was how Matt Borne portrayed him. With Matt Borne behind the makeup, he was able to channel the darkness inside himself and made Doink legitimately unnerving. I can't help ,but compare some of early Doink to Joaquin Phoenix's Joker of all things. The parallels are so uncanny that about 10 percent of me is curious of there's any chance Joaquin saw Doink when crafting his performance. Both of them leave you with a queasy pit in your stomach as you watch a children's clown who shouldn't be anywhere near a kid.
BUT ITS WRESTLING SO LETS MAKE THE KIDS SHIT THEIR PANTS. It's 1993 and we've got an episode of WWF Wrestling Challenge to get through as Doink The Clown will be taking on Scott Despres. Scott is already in the ring, and he looks...well like a wimpy. Not a whole lot to make fun of him for. Boo. Doink comes out to his horrifying theme music and HE'S GOT A UNICYCLE. Nobody on a unicycle has ever been a good person. That goes double for people who ride those old timey giant bicycles too. Multiple children in the audience are definitelyt traumatized by Doink. A lot of therapists owe Vince McMahon a thank you. What's most unsettling about Doink is when he stops smiling. He finds the camera and stares into your soul before slowly breaking out into a grin. I'm adding "people who do slow grins" to my never been a good person list. Doink rushes the ring and attacks Despres before the bell ever rings. Doink never even took off his ring jacket. Despres gets some offense in before Doink shrugs it off and hauls off again on Despres. Doink finally takes off his jacket and uses it to clothesline Despres. Doink then hits a really nice belly to belly suplex, and then begins rolling on the ground laughing manically at Despres. I gotta get me a good maniacal laugh going. Is there a Masterclass that'll help me? Once again Doink suddenly stops the laughter and even 30 years later I feel unnerved about it. Despite being a heel, I think the crowd is chanting for Doink in this. I think he was getting to the "so good as a heel" role where people began to like him. Scott Despres doesn't like a hard Doink chop and counters with a dropkick that sends Doink up and over the top rope to the outside. Doink's facials are incredible as he tries to piece together how the wimpy got one over on him. Doink gets back in the ring and allows Despres to hit him once before taking him down with a shot of his own. Doink then grabs a hold of Despres AND FOLDS HIM UP WITH A NASTY GERMAN SUPLEX. DROPPING HIM ON THE STACK OF DIMES HE CALLS A NECK BOY. ITS DISGUSTING. Doink gets a creepy smile across his face and then hits a nice swinging beckbreaker. Doink firmly in control with a kneedrop and then MORE. DOINK. FACIALS. The SEO on this one is unnvering on it's own. Doink slams down Despres and climbs the top rope, HITTING THE WHOOPEE CUSHION FOR THE FINISH. For those who don't remember, Doink clmbs the top and jumps off to sit on you. It's rad as hell. Doink gets the win and makes more scary faces.
Yoooo Doink rules. Also, Yoooo Doink is disturbing. The disturbing aspects of Doink aside, this was a really fun squash match. Doink absolutely destroyed Despres on the German Suplex and I cant believe he didn't break his neck. Excellent character work by Doink to fill any dead spots, and I think we got to watch some more Doink squashes to see if he can sneak into the hall of fame. All I know is watching him wrestling makes me feel like David Dramain
Disturbed
TLDR Review
Doink made me feel bad. Doink made Scott Depres' neck feel bad. I hope I didn't do the same Taylor Swift joke in two different entries this week.
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