Jurassic Express vs Jon Cruz and David Ali AEW Dark 09-01-2020
I'm fairly confident Jurassic Park was the first movie I ever saw in a theater.
It's either that or the 1991 film, Rock-a-Doodle. Rock-a-Doodle is a movie about a rooster that looks like Elvis. For whatever reason that movie scared the shit out of me. Full on childhood trauma. Looking back on it, it may be the origin story on why I always hated Elvis. Now I hate him because, well he sucks. You can make as many reasoned out arguments about his quality all you want, he sucks. Back to the silver screen, I'm not entirely sure if I saw Rock-a-Doodle in the theaters or not so I decided to go full EC3. No, I'm not an alt-right shithead who doesn't understand Fight Club. What I mean is I'm controlling my own narrative. I've just decided seeing Jurassic Park as my first movie is a far better story. Robert Wuhl's Liberty Valance Theory
When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.
Jurassic Park is the perfect idea for a movie. "Dinosaur Theme Park goes Amuk". Some people call that a perfect elevator pitch. I call that a perfect escalator pitch, because it makes me want to run to the top of a mountain and punch the sun. It's an expert combination of Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi, Horror, and Erotic Jeff Goldblum content. It's a perfect movie. It's one of those movies I find myself watching ever year because I forget how much I love it. Everytime I'm shocked by how well it holds up. A lot of it has to do with THE FACT GIANT PUPPETS ALWAYS LOOK BETTER THAN CGI. I hate to sounds like a boomer, but bad CGI ages a movie so quickly. Not in Jurassic Park though where all the dinosaurs are living, breathing things. Well, not living and...not breathing but....
Shut up you know what I meant.
As of the writing of this entry. the newest of the second trilogy is due in theaters this week and so I've started re-watching the other films to get myself hyped up. At this point in my rewatch, I've finished the original trilogy so I want to be clear I'm only speaking of those. Jurassic Park is flawless. Jurassic Park III isn't very good, but it has it's moments. It's 90 minutes long and we're on the island seeing some dinosaurs within 10 minutes. It's not a good movie, but a shitty movie that's quick is better than a bad movie that's long.
Then, there is the sequel. The Lost World. As a kid, I owned the Lost World on VHS. As a result, I watched The Lost World constantly and therefore thought it was a great movie. Maybe it was my own attempt to incept myself into not realizing I was wasting my time, but if you asked me in the late 90s I would have told you Lost World was just as good if not better than Jurassic Park. I was a stupid kid. I don't think The Lost World is an awful movie, but the characters in the movie made some of the dumbest decisions in the history of movie making. Here is a short list.
Julianne Moore touches a baby stegosaurus, which pisses off the family of stegosaurus who attack her. She then, THEN lectures everyone about not disturbing the dinosaurs. SHE JUST HAD AN INTIMATE MOMENT WITH ONE.
Vince Vaughn is a ecological saboteur so he releases captured dinosaurs into the camps of their enemies. Thus destroying all their ability to leave the island and probably killing multiple people.
Julianne Moore , A PALEONTOLOGIST, finds a hurt baby T-Rex and decides to save it. Of course Julianne Moore, A PALEONTOLOGIST, doesn't realize the T-Rexes will track their baby and attack the crew and kill their friend who's on the West Wing
Julianne Moore, A PALEONTOLOGIST, wanders for miles with a jacket covered in the baby t rex's blood and doesn't stop to think.....I wonder if this is something a t-rex can smell. IT CAN
After being hunted by a T-Rex and seeing HIS FRIEND DIE, Vince Vaughn decides to remove the bullets from a characters gun so they can't shoot and kill the T-rex. This backfires when the T-Rex shows up and kills multiple people.
THOSE ARE JUST THE GOOD GUYS. I DIDN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT HOW THE BAD GUYS SCREW UP. THEY'RE BAD GUYS, THEYRE SUPPOSED TOO
The main dumb thing all characters do is ignore Jeff Goldblum. The whole movie is people gaslighting Jeff Goldblum into think he's an idiot. Like somehow he's the moron because he thinks only a crazy person would voluntarily got to an island full of dinosaurs after knowing the last time people went to an island full of dinosaurs half those people got eaten by said dinosaurs. Fucking morons, all of them. Except Jeff Goldblum.
So anyways, here's a Jurassic Express match.
It's September of 2020 and we are full in the Covid-era of wrestling. Tonight it's AEW Dark where Jungle Boy and Luchasaurus, Jurassic Express, will be taking on Jon Cruz and David Ali, Wimpies Express. Jon Cruz is the AEW version of Tom Brandi, in that he's double gimmicking it up brother. He also is Serpentico . I've never seen David Ali before ,but he has a cool jacket and a hat that says his name so already he's in my top 100 wrestlers of all time. Some comedy before the match as Ali walks away from Cruz mid handshake, and Cruz trying to play it off like he intended it. Jurassic Express out now accompanied by Marko Stunt. I really wanted to see if there was any pre-Covid Jurassic Express squash matches, but to no avail. AEW really shifted to the squash match format AFTER covid, so maybe we'll track down one of those one day. It's become a cliché to mention how much potential Jungle Boy has so I'll just mention he has a high upside instead. Luchasaurus is Spanish for terrible lizard with a bad name. I think he's a great wrestler. I'm always going to root for a wrestling dinosaur. God, I hate the name and I will be extinct before I ever sway on that.
Cruz starts the match by jumping on Luchasaurus' back and grabbing a headlock. Cruz attempts a headlock takeover, but Luchasaurus tosses him off and Cruz lands on his feet. Cruz attempts a hiptoss, but the much bigger Luchasaurus blocks it. Cruz ducks a Luchasaurus clothesline, before an attempting another hiptoss. Cruz realizes he screwed up and slaps his leg because he realizes he made a mistake. Luchasaurus whips Cruz into the corner, but again Cruz able to evade this time with a boot to the face. So far Luchasaurus has not been able to get his hands around Cruz. Clever girl. Cruz knows it too as he celebrates before hitting the ropes. it's a bit premature as Luchasaurus catches Cruz in a bearhug. Cruz knows his screwed right before a huge overhead suplex by Luchasaurus . Luchasaurus kips up and urges David Ali to come get some. Ali obliges and gets some massive chops to the chest for his troubles. When he finally is able to cover up, Luchasaurus hits him with a nice spinning kick to the stomach. Finally Luchasaurus tags in Jungle Boy and my spell checker gets a break. Some nice back and forth evading by Ali and Jungle Boy ends in a nice Jungle Boy running hurracarana. Jungle Boy grabs the arm during a fireman carry and then doesn't let it go. He uses that advantage to hit an armbar, some leg kicks and finally releasing the holds after a flippy doo roeo armdrag. That's not his name for it, it's mine.
After a nice dropkick, Jungle Boy tags back in Luchasaurus . God, that sentence is insane when you remove context. They were looking for a combination move, but Ali evades. Jungle Boy catches him and Ali ends up getting hit with their Tail Whip Move. A combination Spinning Kick and Full Nelson slam. Luchasaurus goes for a pin, but Cruz makes the save. Cruz immediately bails after that. Jon Cruz is kind of great . Luchasaurus proceeds to kick the shit out of David Ali. Like actual kicks. Luchasaurus with a dropping suplex to Ali . As in halfway through he went "naaaaa" and just dropped Ali down. Luchasaurus goes for a chokeslam, but Ali evades and gets AN OFFENSIVE MANEUEVERE He rolls through. HOT TAG TO JON CRUZ. HOT TAG TO JON CRUZ. Cruz climbs the top, DOUBLE AXEHANDLE. Luchasaurus is staggering. ENZIGURI. THE BIG DINO IS WOBBLING. DAVID ALI IN, THEYRE GONNA WORK TOGETHER.
Nope, Luchasaurus just chops the shit out of them.
Big knee to Cruz and a kick to Ali. Luchasaurus tags in Jungle Boy and hits Ali with a big chokeslam followed by a big kick and a Jungle Boy knee. Jungle Boy pins Ali before it CUTS AWKWARDLY TO MARKO STUNT. Obviously not to cover up they forgot Cruz was the legal man. Elvis Presley never knew who was legal either. Fuck that guy. Jurassic Express improvise with a swinging cutter thing for the win.
Pretty fun, but honestly Jon Cruz is my favorite part. This was the Luchasaurus and Jon Cruz show as they dominated the personality of the match. Jungle Boy didn't have to do much as it was Luchasaurus just kicking and kneeing people as hard as he can. I'd definitely want to see more of Cruz and Ali. Cruz especially was great at recognizing the bad decisions he made in the match
UNLIKE JULIANNE MOORE AND VINCE VAUGHN
TLDR REVIEW
More Wrestling Dinos. More Jon Cruz Wrestling. More Reminders That Fuck Elvis
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