Michael Hayes vs Bill Tyree squash WCW Worldwide 02-05-1994
I sometimes forget I'm 34.
A lot of it probably has to do with the fact I only turned 34 like 2 weeks ago. It's a number I never thought I would see. Not because of a reckless lifestyle or anything, I just sort of assumed I'd neve rget there.. I never thought I'd be trading in my Larry Bird Jersey for a Paul Pierce jersey. I never thought I'd be a year away from being able to run for president. My presidential platform will be very, very tall. I don't feel like I'm 34, but I guess I never knew what it was like to be 34 until I hit it. I guess as you grow up you realize age isn't what you thought it was. As a younger man, I assumed that by 34 I would have it all figured out. That I would be the Ultimate Adult, the less successful Jim Helwig gimmick. Well, pretty much the only indication that I'm adult man is I pay taxes, my hairs going grey, and I have a mustache. Even the mustache is about 2 weeks old. I really I thought I'd be more obviously 34 by now. Is it perspective or do people just age better now. Because I got to ask....
How the fuck am I the same age as Michael Hayes in this match?
I'm cheating on this a little, because technically Hayes was 35 when it aired. This was WCW so this was taped so far in advance that there's the chance he was 32 when they filmed it. But for all intents in purposes, I am the same age as Michael Hayes in this match.
What
the
Fuck.
I know Michael Hayes lived a hard life, but this is friggin ridiculous I think lot of a lot of young people, myself included, assumed Michael Hayes was a hell of a lot older than he was. My first exposure of him was as Dok Hendrix, who was one of the lamest of the lame WWF announcers. Even as a kid I though, this guy sucks. I will still defend Todd Pettengill to the death though, so maybe I'm a biased source.
Little did I know that before he was Dok Hendrix, Michael Hayes was the Kevin Roberts of Pro Wrestling...the coolest bitch in town. But after an injury at age 35, Michael Hayes hung up the boots cut his hair and became Dok. Wait. ..Wait...Wait . He did this at 35? IN ONE YEAR I'M GOING TO BE IN MY DOK HENDRIX PHASE? GODDAMNIT. I'm already depressed at my age NOW. Ugh , I should probably plan to live the last year of my cultural relevancy like there's no tomorrow. Nope, instead we're going to go full Stryper, ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIER, and watch some more squashes.
It's February 1994 and I'm sure Nancy Kerrigan is still in the news as we head down to a WCW edition of Worldwide. Tonight Michael "PS" Hayes will be taking on Bill Tyree in tonight's bout. This is the tail end of Hayes' run in WCW, as he will leave in early 1994. I don't think I stressed enough earlier, what a big deal The Fabulous Freebirds were. They were a badass pro wrestling band. Hayes performed their songs and at their height they are one of the raddest acts in pro wrestling. Father Time is undefeated however, and Hayes wasn't always the best at adapting. As best evidenced by his entrance here. Hayes is still trying to be a Freebird, but no matter his excuse it comes off kind of depressing. Keep in mind, fucking grunge is in full effect and Hayes is coming out in his blond mullet and fringe jacket looking like the lost member of Enuff Z'Nuff. I love hair metal as much as the next guy, but this was definitely a time you were supposed to keep that shit to yourself. I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER'S LIFE I WASNT LISTENING TO SLAUGHTER. God bless Michael Hayes and his accomplishments, but yikes on this. His opponent is Buffalo Bill Tyree. His nickname isn't Buffalo Bill, I just said that because he's a great big fat person. Tyree is a hefty gentleman in an ugly singlet, my favorite type of jobber. I wonder if it's intentional that the bigger wimpies wear the least flattering singlets possible. Show off their nips. Plus he has curly blond hair. He looks like if you mashed up David Schultz and Harley Race. Not combine them, just squish them together. I say this was someone very concerned with hair loss, Michael Hayes has gotta let it go. When you see the back of his head, it's clear that it's suffering from the Lifehouse effect.
Hanging by a Moment.
Hayes gets the crowd going and locks in a headlock. Tyree whips Hayes off the ropes and tries to get some offense going, but Hayes evades and struts away followed by a very relevant in 1994 moonwalk. Hayes is massive here, especially his gut which is barely tucked into his pants. I'm feeling a lot better knowing how I look compared to 1994 Hayes. Tyree rushes Hayes during the moonwalk because he prefers Luscious over Michael Jackson and delivers some clubbing blows. Hayes counters with some nice chops and punches and Holy Shit Hayes mullet is massive. That might be the longest mullet I've ever seen in my life, and the one most likely to just fall off. Hayes whips Tyree into the ropes and hits a solid back elbow. I hate guys who do back elbows, but Hayes is one of the good ones. Hayes drops an elbow on Tyree. I don't know what's going on but the camera work is super up close on this one. Either the video got zoomed in or Kubrick decided to stop by and run production today. Tyree whips Hayes into the ropes, but Hayes hits a left hand and...puts his crotch on his face for the pin attempt. 1-2-3. That's it? Don't get me wrong it was a fine punch, but really that's the finish? After the match Michael Hayes tells the camera " Freebird Forever, You'll Never Change Me". Well that's the problem Mike
Quick and painless. ts how you want a trip to the doctor's to go but it's not ideal for a wrestling blog. Look, Michael Hayes still had charisma, but the young hip Freebirds stuff was really running thin in 1994. About as thin as his hair. Hayes would have looked a hell of a lot younger if he didn't try to...well keep looking so young. Nothing ages a person quite like a thirst for youth. The Elizabeth Bathory corollary. I think next time we meet Mr. Hayes, we should take a look at some of his younger days and see if that stuff holds up better. You know I started this blog kind of depressed about my age.
But Michael Hayes in 1994 makes me feel a hell of a lot better
TLDR Review
Michael Hayes tried to be MTV when he was more VH1. Bill Tyree dodging nip slips. I'm not going to run for president as much as lightly jog
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