Hall of Fame Squash: PG-13 vs Sonny Rogers and Al Brown WWF Monday Night Raw 9-25-1995

PG-13 vs Sonny Rogers and Al Brown WWF Monday Night Raw 9-25-1995

Within the past few years there has been such a  major resurgence in The Rock n Roll Express.  Nobody ever thought they sucked, but the praise for them has only increased this decade.  With that praise also came dream match after dream match as they started going toe to toe with the great tag teams of this generation. FTR, Proud and Powerful, Lance Archer and Mr. Hughes ( This is a real match I just found out  happened  and I cannot wait to see it ). Truly the Rock and Roll Express are a great tag team and deserve their flowers. Ricky and Robert are legends who deserve all the respect and praise they get.  Now, I said all that stuff to say this

Fuck The Rock n Roll Express . I want a PG-13 nostalgia run

Bret Hart vs Dublin Destroyer WWF Wrestling Challenge 06-02-1992

 

Bret Hart vs Dublin Destroyer WWF Wrestling Challenge 06-02-1992

I don't think I can meet Bret Hart.

Even though he's my favorite wrestler of all time I don't think I can meet him. I'm pretty worried about what I do. The way I see it, I'd either embarrass myself in front of him by talking too much or say nothing to him and regret it later. It'd basically be the pro wrestling equivalent of the Chris Farley show. 

Hey Bret, you remember when you were the excellence of execution....that was awesome. 

It's really weird to think about meeting him because for so many years that seemed impossible to me. I couldn't imagine as a child that Bret was  ever going to be meetable. He's actually been popping around my area lately for signings and shows and as we get closer and closer to those dates, I begin to wonder.....can I meet Bret Hart?

Commandos vs Max Miles & Max McGyver NWA World Championship Wrestling 12-31-1988

Commandos vs Max Miles & Max McGyver NWA World Championship Wrestling 12-12-1988

My girlfriend says I like everything. She's learned to maybe not take my reccomendations on movies and television shows too seriously because I usually find it at least entertaining. She says I'm like Don Lake playing a  critic  in For Your Consideration, 

" I gotta tell you. I see a lot of films. I love them all". 

She's probably right. It's not that I'm an optimist as much as I try to be.  Everything is terrible all the time, and when it comes to the media I consume I try to avoid it.  I think I've gotten pretty good at knowing what I like. It's not that I don't have movies or shows I don't like, it's just that I can sort of sus out stuff  and bail out.  I'm not infallible, I make mistakes and end up watching some garbage before it dawns on me this isn't worth anyone's time. I don't hate watch anything ,

 I just hate watching anything.  

Hall of Fame Squash: The New Rockers ( Marty Jannetty and Leif Cassidy) vs The Hardy Boys WWF Superstars 05-28-1996

 

The New Rockers ( Marty Jannetty and Leif Cassidy) vs The Hardy Boys WWF Superstars 05-28-1996

Never read Youtube comments

It's just not worth it. The cure to the common cold could be written in the comment section of one of the Chris Chan documentaries and it still wouldn't be worth it. I don't wish to be too controversial, but I'm beginning to suspect people are rude on the internet sometimes. I know, it shook me to my very core when I realized that too.  It's not just YouTube obviously, but there always seems to be the craziest stuff written in a YouTube comment. I never read the comments

Except one, and I'm furious

After I watch a match , I save it to my drafts and then I either write a blog about it or sit on it for a few days and see if I have something to say about it. Some matches can be good, but unless I find a way to talk about it I don't think it's a good read for you. I thought I had finally found a hook for this match. I wanted to talk about The New Rockers and compare them to things people said sucked, but was actually good. How they were ahead of their time and it actually is a pretty fun gimmick. First though I needed to find the date of the match. So I scrolled down looking and there I saw a comment that shook me to my core. Not because It was mean or offensive, but because it made me feel foolish I never thought about it. Five years ago a user named Sean Morpheus wrote

Devon Storm vs Chris Kanyon WCW Prime 04-29-1996

Devon Storm vs Chris Kanyon  WCW Prime 04-29-1996

Occasionally, I'm wrong about things.

I try not to make it a habit, but from time to time I've been known to be momentarily incorrect. I thought Heath Ledger would make a terrible joker. I thought Kyrie Irving would lead the Boston Celtics to a NBA Championship.  I thought a mullet was a good idea for a haircut in 2009.

I've been wrong

But wrestling, wrestling I think I'm usually right. Whether it be my own hubris, my own willingness to be hoisted on my own petard, my own ability to use a theasaurus to desrcibe the same thing over and over again to boost the word count on this blog.....I'm confident in my wrestling opinions.  Pro Wrestling evolves and moves forward, but at the end of the day it's kind of the same. There's only so many original ideas that stuff repeats itself . You watch long enough and you see the tropes and the formulas. The fun part starts when you see someone skewer those tropes or play with the formulas. Like Waingro said, the action is the juice. Of course I'm not always right, but I'm usually in the ball park. It's so rare that I feel I am completely blindsided by pro wrestling, I can't remember last time it happened.

Then I watched this match and I was rattled.

Sean Dahmer Vs Hydra CWE One Step Closer 04-15-2007

Sean Dahmer Vs Hydra CWE 05-15-2007

(Disclaimer: I'm not entirely sure on the name/date of this show. I had to do a journalism to figure out info and this is my best guess)

It dawned on me recently that barring something terrible, I'm going to be an elderly man at wrestling shows

I think it was when I went to a AEW Dynamite show in Boston. I don't go to as many live pro wrestling shows as I used to when I was younger, but when I do I always have a blast. I was sitting there and at a certain point thinking, is this ever going to not be fun?  Television wrestling can be bad, but I don't think I've ever gone to a live pro wrestling show and had anything less than fun.  I've been angry, I've been annoyed, I've been bored, but those are just fleeting moments in what are usually great nights.

Whenever I heard stories of people who talk about discovering wrestling I get a little jealous because I don't have that. Wrestling has just been a constant source in my life , it's like the moon at this point...it's existed for as long as I've been aware. My earliest memory of my life is Randy Savage trying to pin Yokozuna in the 1993 Royal Rumble and even as a child thinking Macho Man was kind of an idiot. That's as far back as my brain goes and the viewing never stopped. The thing about wrestling is if you survive past high school as a fan, I think they have you hooked for life.  Sure I've had peaks and valleys, but I've never fully stopped watching wrestling. When WWE wasn't doing it for me, I switched to primarily independent wrestling fandom. Let me tell you, indie wrestling fandom is a young man's game

 I'm 33 in person years, but in indie wrestling fan years I feel like I'm elderly.  

Hall of Fame Squash: Vader & Scott Steiner vs Shawn Summers & Roderick Street JCW Bloodymania VI 08-12-2012

Vader & Scott Steiner vs Shawn Summers & Roderick Street JCW Bloodymania VI 08-12-2012

The Insane Clown Posse fucking rule

I know there are still stragglers late to the party and think it's fun to mock I.C.P and The Juggalos, but come on guys its 2022. Faygo is in Big Lots now. Now, just how much of the anti-ICP stuff was rooted in self-loathing class-based warfare is an article for another website, ( Dibs on calling it Proletariat Liarats) but the fact is people have finally come around on Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. They're goofy, self-aware, objectively funny and seem like pretty solid human beings.

Their music is dogshit

But that's just like my opinion man, and really it doesn't matter because I love everything else about them. I think what turned me into a Juggalo supporter starts with Juggalo Championshit Wrestling . JCW is probably what I would do if I was a wrestling fan. I have no idea what the storylines are. I have no idea who the champions are. All I know is as that every year at the living, breathing Vice article that is The Gathering of the Juggalos, ICP books a bunch of legends and randos in a bunch of weird matches and it's awesome.

I know it's such a cliché to quote iconic singer/songwriter Jewel in  a blog  about pro wrestling, but watching this match I can't help but be reminded of  a lyric that touches my very soul.

"I'm just a simple girl In a high-tech digital world"

Wait....sorry wrong lyrics

Steiner Brothers vs George South & Ricky Nelson WWF Superstars 03-08-1993

Steiner Brothers vs George South & Ricky Nelson WWF Superstars  03-08-1993

You had to know Rick and Scott Steiner were going to show up on this blog sooner rather than later.  Rick and Scott Steiner are quite possibly the greatest squash match tag team of all time ( it'll be interesting to see how they stack up against my othertwo  picks, The Samoan Swat Team and The Quebecers).  I'm a big fan of the Marty and Sarah Love Wrestling podcast, and a recurring theme on there is the concept of little boy shit. That's just stuff in wrestling that clearly seems like something that was seemingly designed for a little boy. As a former little boy myself, The Steiners were my shit. Two big dudes who wear colorful trunks and one of them thinks he's a dog, but they're brothers and they love each other.

Little Boy Shit

Zack Ryder(Matt Cardona) vs Rory Fargo (Rory Fox) ECW on Sci-Fi 08-09-2009

Zack Ryder vs Rory Fargo (Rory Fox) ECW on Sci-Fi 08-09-2009

I don't want to talk about Ridiculousness.

I just want to talk about MTV True Life for a while. I don't want to complain how they don't play videos, I don't want to do a hacky joke premise of OH MY GOD RIDICULOUSNESS IS ALWAYS ON, I don't wanna wait for my life to be over. I just want to talk about True Life, because  it was great

If you don't know what True Life is I don't know if I can explain the lasting impact it's had on my brain for years. Here is a short list of True True Life Stories

In the I Have Embarassing Parents episode, a dad dressed as a Jedi waved his hand in front of an automatic door to simulate opening it with the force. I have done that without fail for 20 years straight

Much like one of the backyard wrestlers in True Life: I'm a Backyard Wrestler, my default response after witnessing an awkward argument between friends is to say " While I had fun tonight"

While in an antique store with my girlfriend, I realized FINALLY someone uploaded True Life I have a Summer Share to YouTube and flipped out in a very  inappropriate environment. I apologized and calmed down. I then flipped out when I realized it was ole' Tommy Cheeseballs who uploaded it himself. I did not apologize a second time. It was a justified reaction, GIVE THAT MAN HIS FLOWERS/FRIGGIN CHEESEBALLS

Sean O’ Haire vs. Mike Rapada WCW Worldwide 09-09-2000

Sean O’ Haire  vs. Mike Rapada WCW Worldwide 09-09-2000

 

In about 2004 or 2005 I started getting into Ring of Honor and joined the forums.  At the time, I didn't really have a lot of let's say, social activity and I think I filled a lot of that void with wrestling.  It was some random fateful day I saw someone post that a couple fans were doing an AIM Chatroom called ROHWrestling and I had nothing to do so I randomly logged in and talked to people for a little bit. And then the next day. and again. and again until one day I had internet friends. Only a handful of us from the original chatroom remain, but we've added and lost some people along the way and gone through all the technology. Xbox Live, Skype, Discord, That thing where you could invite people to a room and DJ and the joke was to play the most depressing song , etc. We've settled on a Facebook messenger group chat until I decide its time to  do a watch along of MTV True Life I have a Summer Share in the metaverse. WHERES MY FRIGGING CHEESEBALLS ZUCKERBEG.   Like any friend group, over the years we've also developed inside jokes and references and concepts. Which is what leads to me this match and the concept of, "your boys"

"One of your Boys"

Definition: One of those wrestlers who seemingly only you love. Usually someone random or for odd reasoning.

This match features two of my all time b-b-boys

Great Acuma vs. C.I.A. Power League Wrestling (PLW) 02-09-1997

Great Acuma vs. C.I.A.  Power League Wrestling ( PLW) 02-09-1997

In what has to come as a shock to virtually nobody, I'm a cable access kid.  I was an intern my senior year of high school, I hosted the high school monthly morning show and before you even ask  I can assure you those tapes are going to stay in my closet forever.  I adore it, I really do. I've spent hours searching YouTube to try and find weird clips and shows from all across the country I didn't know existed. Each area has their own local legends that everyone in the town knows about. My girlfriend is from Rhode Island and they had the Kiss Talk Show, which was dudes in kiss makeup just sorta talking about Kiss. That's the whole show. If that sounds familar it's because Family Guy took that and put it on an episode.. That's such a specific reference that only people from Rhode Island would understand and Seth McFarlane put it on television.

Where I'm from we have a share of local legends. There was Mark Lord who would film long rambling  stream of consciousness monologues about things like "putting it all on the world ballot". There was the video sports page , a high school  sports recap with a  borderline professional  who someone got legitimate media credentials and interviews with the likes of Spike Lee and Roger Clemens. And then there was Talking Wrestling

Talking Wrestling was. MY. JAM

La Resistance vs Los Luchas ECW on Sci-Fi 2-02-2007

La Resistance vs Los Luchas ECW on Sci-Fi  2-02-2007

"Did you ever see the match where La Resistance became The Road Warriors?"

While I cannot remember who sent me that fateful AIM message, I certainly can never forget receiving it.  La Resistance? Rene Dupree and Sylvan Grenier?   How could they possibly do anything to become like the Road Warriors.  Did they paint their faces like Marcel Marceau? Did they wear shoulder pads spiked with Baguettes?  Are these jokes about being French landing with my readers? That instant message couldn't have made less sense

Until I watched it.

Folks this is the match where for one night Road Warrior Rene and Road Warrior Sylvan was a real thing.

Sid Vicious vs. Mountain Man Bailey WCW Power Hour 1-19-1991

Sid Vicious vs.  Mountain Man Bailey WCW Power Hour [1991-01-19]

I can't imagine a better way to start this project then with this match. Going into this project I have a fairly good idea of what I  think the greatest squash match wrestlers  will be and I got Sid projected to be very high on this list.  If this was an NBA draft preview I'd talk about his potential and his huge upside and wingspan. But this is about wrestling, so instead I'll talk about the fact Sid absolutely murders  jobbers and it's awesome. 

That being said, this is a very basic Sid squash and very low on the Sid rankings, but who frigging cares because he's wrestling a dude named Man Mountain Bailey.  Man Mountain Bailey is  a perfect representation of the things I was hoping to accomplish in this project. Just a weird, weird gimmick dude.  I'm not sure how to describe Bailey other than he looks like a guy who has been to multiple tractor pulls, but lacks the resources to seriously compete. I've created the narrative in my head that he's wrestling on the side to earn money so he can enter the competition and save his family's  dairy farm. It's far more likely someone saw this big sumbitch and told him he should put on overalls and be one of them there 'rasslers, BUT I LIKE FAKE WRESTLING LORE. . I cannot believe sumbitch wasn't autocorrected when I typed it. I didn't know it was a real word.

Welcome to Hey There Wimpy Boy: A Mission Statement

First a Mission Hill Statement

That was a good show.

Ok, now let's blog for real

   

Hey There Wimpy Boy Flying through the sky so Fancy Free

I have a very difficult time sitting still and watching anything consistently. I just don't seem able to display the patience.  I don't know if it's A.D.D or FOMO or LFO, well it's probably closest to LFO because like their hit song Summer Girls this mission statement will just be a series of facts.

Fact number 1. Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets

Fact number 2. I love pro wrestling

Nothing makes me happier then melodramatic people fake fighting in colorful costumes , but sometimes 'rasslin can be a bit overindulgent. Don't get me wrong, I love me a quality long wrestling match as much as the next guy, but I got books to pretend I need the time to read. So over the years I've developed such an affinity for wrestling that gets to the point. 

Squash Matches

 Call them jobbers, enhancement talent, wimpys ( I mean I did hence the name which I wish I could take credit for, but I heard the term from the old Rob Naylor comps), jabronis, professional losers,  or my personal favorite "Regular Guys", but I would put a quality squash match up against anything you throw at it. I know there is a lot of craftmanship in a Steamboat/Flair match.....but have you ever seen Scott Steiner throw a untrained part-time security guard on his head.  

Jesus Wept for their were no more worlds left to conquer. 

Squash Matches are for those of us who know that ultimately going out to a fine dining establishment is better, but are confident enough to admit.... sometimes a gas station hot dog is the best meal. I know others feel about this the way I do, but shockingly whenever I've tried to do deep dives to find the greatest squash matches ever, I rarely find hidden gems. The same matches come up time after time, believe me I will cover Sid Vicious vs Lee Scott like a Dostoevsky novel, but rarely am I surprised by something new.

And so with that in mind, I present to you Hey There Wimpy Boy because my own personal code of ethics wouldn't allow me to start this blog until I worked in a Simpsons reference. This is my Quixotic quest to watch squash matches everyday and present you with my opinions and hopefully by the end, I'll have a fairly definitive list of some of the greatest squash matches of all time. I'll try my best to dive  into why I think the matches are great or terrible and maybe make some jokes along the way you enjoy.

 

I hope you dig it.

 I need to assure any future readers that I do not sound like Andy Rooney. Ever since I started this mission statement I've begun to suspect there's a chance my inner monologue sounds like him.

If you're interested in more condensed version of my thoughts,  You can check out my  Twitter  where I talk about wrestling or stress out during Boston Celtics games. Hell, I'll even take suggestions for matches you want to see reviewed.  You can also check out my Youtube where I make weird videos where I put on wigs in front of a camera to mask my true identity.