The Samoan Swat Team (Rikishi & Samu) vs The Littles MECW ??-??-1999

The Samoan Swat Team (Rikishi & Samu) vs The Littles MECW ??-??-1999

The Misfits are my favorite band

I'm pale with black hair,  so I'm not sure if I had a say in the matter. I'm pretty sure they mail  Static Age to your house once you either develop a shitty teenage attitude or your skin pigment dips below alabaster. You become an alabastard if you will.  I've heard people criticize The Misfits and say they suck, but music is subjective. Besides, people who say that listen to garbage. Not Shirley Manson, but their musical taste is  hot trash. The Misfits are my favorite band for the same reason everyone's favorite band is everyone's favorite band, because I heard them when I was a teenager. That's basically why we all like the things we like Unless you were a teenager in the late 80s I don't want to hear about how much you love Til' Tuesday. Yes I know the lead singer had an illustrious career as an indie artist DONT AIMEE MANNSPLAIN ME. There's something about Danzig, Jerry Only, Doyle, and insert random drummer here that really spoke to a teenaged Ben. Maybe it was because I liked skeletons so goddamn much. So you could imagine how excited I was in the past few years when I found out my favorite band was going to start playing together. Doyle, Danzig, Jerry,  and I must reiterate I don't give a shit who the drummer was, back together again. I had to see them right.

Never even crossed my mind

Danny Demanto vs Low Ki JAPW World Wide 03-26-2005

 Danny Demanto vs Low Ki JAPW World Wide  03-26-2005

I'm one of those people who's childhood overlapped with the internet.

I still remember the day we got out first computer and logged onto American Online. Before that the computer was just something my dad played Oregon Trail on. In his defense, he played it a lot. Not in his defense, he kept track of his high scores..... like a sociopath. As soon as we got AOL I immediately logged onto the WWF website and would go there whenever I could. 

I would also go to .....no that was pretty much it.

The internet was new to me, I didn't know where else I could possibly go.  The internet was sort of a novelty , we didn't realize cruising down the information super highway would leave to he multi-car pile up that would destroy our civilization as we knew it. I just thought it was a place I could download Conan O Brien soundbites ( I  can still hear him say GREETINGS NERD). Eventually we moved on up like the Jeffersons and got the fancy Comcast internet back when it was Adelphia. As I grew up, so did the internet. You needed the internet to have any sort of social life in middle and high school,  I mean how could you make any plans without AIM?  I still mainly used it for wrestling though. That's where I discovered wrestling forums a opened my world view. 

By my junior year of high school, I thought this can't get any better. Put in a long crappy day at school, then I'll head home  alk on AIM with some girls I'm too nervous to talk to in person, download some matches off yousendit links and  then hang out on Rajah.com forums until dinner. Truly I was living in blessed times. Then one fateful day, someone in the art class went on the computer and pulled up a site I had never heard of.

YouTube

Test and Albert (T&A) vs. JR Ryder and Vincent Goodnite WWF Metal 10-07-2000

Test and Albert (T&A) vs. JR Ryder and Vince Goodniite WWF Jakked 10-07-2000 

 When it comes to watching stuff, I have a justified case of FOMO.

Not in regards to the Timothy Olyphant FX program, that I watched the crap out of. I  love me some Raylan Givens. I meant more, well close to everything else. I've mentioned before that the origin of this blog stems a lot from my shortened attention span. I find it very hard to sit down and focus on something for long periods of time. My girlfriend thinks I may have A.D.D. Regardless, I find it very hard to sit down and focus on something for very long periods. My girlfriend thinks I may have A.D.D. I don't know what she's talking about. Either way, that leads to me being picky about choosing what to watch.  For the most part, I don't start watching a show until it's a few seasons in or I know it has a satisfactory ending. I wasn't always like that though, I used to be the guy who watched everything. When I was in college, I was up to date on seemingly every prestige television show. Friday Night Lights, The Wire, Jersey Shore, etc. I was on top of it man. So imagine my surprise when I randomly decided to put on an episode of a show called Greek I vaguely recall hearing about once. How the hell did I not watch this show as it aired? It was a cheesy low-stakes teen drama  about frats and sororities set during the time frame I was actually in college. It's like the show was meant for me. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT CAPPY DID AFTER GRADUATION. I love that stuff. Even as a shitty wanna be punk rock freshman in high school , I never missed  an episode of The OC.  IT'S BULLSHIT ADAM BRODY ISN'T A BIGGER STAR. I don't even know if  Greek is a good show, but it checked so many of the boxes of the dumb shows I liked. I couldn't believe I had never watched that show, it seemed like even at the time it would have been something I loved. How did I never see this?  That's why I have FOMO, because I have missed out

Just like I missed out on T and A

Bill Goldberg vs John Nord WCW Worldwide 07-04-1998

Bill Goldberg vs John Nord WCW Worldwide 07-04-1998

I’m going to find this fucking John Nord in WCW banger match if it’s the last thing I do.

God I hope that’s not actually the last thing I do. I’m an atheist who hedges his bets, so let’s assume I meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I really don’t want my lasting legacy to be, “remembered the guy who used to be The Berzerker had a good match in WCW once, then forgot about it, then remembered it again”.  If that’s my legacy so be it, but I want the quest for the John Nord WCW Banger to not be a footnote, but rather an epic tale. Ben wept for their for no more John Nord matches left to watch kind of crap. I want it t be the Odyssey, but instead of fighting a cyclops I fight the YouTube algorithm that denies certain videos in my region. A POX UPON YOUR HOUSE SIR. At this point in the story, we’ve already met the two protagonists. Myself and John Nord in WCW. We have set forth on our hero's journey to retrieve the lost WCW banger. Now, our characters must develop more complex motivations. Now we begin to test our moral aptitude. Now we must see just how far our hero is willing to go to achieve his goals.  When hope seems dim, will he turn to the dark side.

Will he turn to Bill Goldberg?

"Macho Man" Randy Savage vs Nick Kiniski WWF Wrestling Challenge 05-10-1987

 "Macho Man" Randy Savage vs  Nick Kiniski WWF Wrestling Challenge  05-10-1987

I've never met anyone who didn't love Macho Man Randy Savage

Notice I say love, not like. You can't just like the Macho Man, because it does a grave disservice to Mach.  Randy Savage only brings out intense feelings in all of us, and it's pure undistilled love man. He probably has the highest approval rating of any pro wrestler. He's incredible popular , but there isn't the backlash like there is against that bald idiot Hulk Hogan. I know people talk about Hogan being the biggest star, fuck that shit.. They never had to turn Randy heel because the crowds were turning on him, they turned Randy heel because who gives a shit it's The Macho Man and he's going to be awesome either way.  Whereas Hogan stuck around in popular culture because he went full Hunter Thirst Helmsley  in his perpetual quest for the spotlight, Randy Savage disappeared for years and his legend only grew.  Hogan may have drew more money, but I think Randy Savage  transcended the wrestling bubble a hell of a lot better. He's a fucking  pop culture icon. Everyone has a bad Macho impression, everyone thinks of Macho when they see a Slim Jim, everyone remembers when he got a feature role in Spiderman. 

BE A MAN HOGAN. 

Hall of Fame Squash: Jerry "The King" Lawler vs Al Jackson WWF Superstars 03-23-1996

Hall of Fame Squash: Jerry "The King" Lawler vs Al Jackson  WWF Superstars 03-23-1996

I'm enthralled by people who are good at talking smack.

Before we get too into the weeds,  we need to quickly define the difference between talking trash and talking smack. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like "Your mama's so fat, she could eat the Internet". But smack talk is happening like right now. Like, "You're ugly and I know it for a fact cause I got the evidence right there". I'm ok at talking smack and /or trash,  but there are times I suffer from what I refer to as Shooter McGavin syndrome. That's the Happy Gilmore villain inspired condition which leads to periods of time where insults are easily turned on me to make me look foolish as I try to stammer a retort. Side effects may also include lupus. I've always loved hearing stories of people who were great at talking smack. There are a lot of people who talk trash before an event, but how many of them are great at talking smack DURING an event. I know Connor McGregor is great at hyping an event up, but how often does the camera catch him mocking his opponent during the actual fight. It's a rare skill  I've spent hours of my life watching compilations of stories of Larry Bird  humiliating players DURING THE GAME by talking smack and delivering. Surprisingly, there isn't a lot of it in pro wrestling.  There are a lot of guys who cut great promos, but it's rare for guys to talk trash during their matches. I suspect it's so the camera doesn't catch them calling spots, but that sounds like cowardice to me. There are a handful of guys I can think of who excelled at it. Mark Henry, Roman Reigns, Chris Hero this one time I saw him wrestle Jerry Lynn.

And at least for this one match, Jerry Lawler takes the crown.

Heavenly Bodies vs. Larry Santo & Todd Morton WWF Wrestling Challenge 03-19-1995

Heavenly Bodies vs. Larry Santo & Todd Morton WWF Wrestling Challenge 03-19-1995

For the first time in my life I've committed to the bit of having a mustache.

I say its a bit because I feel like I'm playing a joke on people that they aren't laughing it. Nobody is selling it.  Don't they know I look ridiculous? I feel like I need to explain my thought process, because this blog isn't going to rise up the google rankings without needlessly padding my entries dammit.  It's getting to be the summer and so it's that time of years where I try to be less of a neckbeard, both in my facial hair and in my personality.  In the winter I usually I don't shave and grow a lackluster beard. It's never once  come in looking right, but I'm an optimist so I keep growing it out  hoping one day I'll grow one like James Harden. In the summer though, those muggy New England nights mean that few things feels as disgusting as a sweaty chin. So, I have to actually shave my face. Before you ask, yes every time I do it I immediately sing Needle in the Hay and pretend I'm Luke Wilson in Royal Tenenbaums ( minus the suicide attempt ). I'm a sideburns man usually, Daniel Plainview's  original and less successful business pitch, but I've dabbled in mustachery before. I think every dude has a mustache for a little while when they hit their twenties. It's part of trying to become an adult. The problem was  everyone in my generation assumed adulthood was based more on facial hair than actual responsibility. All I'm saying is  lot of us spent the late 2000s cosplaying as dads at a barbeque.  Now though, I am a borderline almost adult. So I decided  that you know what?  I'm going to have a mustache. I've tried it out and I liked it. Maybe people aren't laughing because I don't look as as stupid as I think I do. Maybe having a mustache doesn't mean you look sleazy. You know, maybe I just look like an upstanding member of society just with a  little caterpillar above my lip.

And then I see a match with Jimmy Del Rey and go, nope I look like a fucking creep.