Oz vs. Johnny Rich WCW Clash of the Champions 15 06-14-1991

Oz  vs. Johnny Rich  WCW Clash of the Champions 15 06-14-1991

My mom loves The Wizard of Oz.

Well, I think she loves the Wizard of Oz. I know for a fact she likes The Wizard of Oz, but I'm not sure if she loves it as much as she says she does.  I don't think she's lying to us maliciously, I just  suspect maybe she's sparing our feelings.  The reason being,  my brother and I  have b got her Wizard of Oz related gifts ever year  since we were old enough to be responsible for our own gift giving. It's gotten ridiculous at this point how much stuff she has. I try not to get her anymore Wizard of Oz crap , but sometimes it's a week before Christmas and the gifts are looking light so I just gotta go, Fuck It.

Here mom, I got you a photo of The Tinman signed by Buddy Ebsen. 

.Between me and my brother she's gotten all manner of snow globes, dolls, figures, artwork, windchimes, ornaments, pillows, blankets, shirts, records, CDs, DVDs, and various other forgotten Knick a knack and bric a brac. She would have said something right? I rescind my previous thoughts, I know my mother loves The Wizard of Oz. Just like I love wrestling. We both love our stuff and so our houses are full of it. Where I have a Bret Hart poster above my TV, she has a photo of the cowardly lion above hers.  You'd think with my love of pro wrestling, and her love of The Wizard of Oz, I'd let her know about the one time our worlds collided. I'm not talking about the urban legend of how a torrid night of passion with Judy Garland cost Buddy Rogers the WWWF Title. No, What I mean is

I've never once tried to show her Oz. 

Ivan Putski vs Jose Estrada WWF Championship Wrestling 08-21-1982

Ivan Putski vs Jose Estrada WWF Championship Wrestling 08-21-1982

Every school project I could make about wrestling I did.

Not to toot my own horn, but I was a smart kid in elementary school. I've been coasting off it for years.  I got put in this program called E.LP, which was this biweekly class for the smarter kids.  Despite being a nerd class, it  was more about doing weird and creative projects than anything. I loved it because school was so boring. I did good at it, back then, but it was so friggin' early. Plus my bus picked me up in the middle of whatever show I was watching at the time, so I missed it. The sheer amount of half-watched Mutant League Football episodes in my life is disheartening. The class was smaller, which meant we basically got to pick the projects. The teacher would throw out some ideas and we got to pick, which is why we one time did a fake job fair. We were going to pick out what jobs we wanted as an adult, and we were going to make a display and our non-ELP classmates, those peasants, were going to come by and I don't know...look at stuff we made. In retrospect, this was a very weird idea. There was someone who wanted to be a doctor. There was someone who wanted to be a veterinarian. Me, I wanted to be a pro wrestler baby. My mom still makes fun of me about it. I was in this class designed for smart kids, and my dream was to join a profession that involved damaging my brain. My wrestler name was Bad Boy, Joey Janela owes me royalties, and it is shocking how I sort of predicted what I looked like as an adult. One tattoo on my shoulder, long black hair, and a sleeveless shirt. That was basically my look for most of my twenties. Guess what, I crushed it... because I  actually gave a shit. I cared about wrestling and it made me care about school. For most people who snuck wrestling into school, that would be there crowning achievement.

I'm not most people, I didn't even tell you about the time I was Ivan Putski

Gene Snitsky vs Val Venis WWE Monday Night Raw 09-27-2004

Gene Snitsky vs Val Venis  WWE Monday Night Raw 09-27-2004

Gene Snitsky might be the first meme wrestler.

This is where my wrestling history gets a little wonky, so bare with me as I throw out some probably incorrect information. You have aunts on Facebook, you've seen worse. There have been wrestlers who were, for lack of a better term, ironically loved before. There were the Atlanta Boys who would attend WCW tapings and go apeshit for Tex Slazenger and Shanghai Pierce, there was TNA's Heels section crew,  there were the TNA Lance Hoytamaniacs who really liked Lance Hoyt for some reason, and there were  other non TNA pockets in various companies of fans who liked wrestlers for reasons outside the norm. So it wasn't completely out of the real of possibility, but I don't remember it ever happened like it did with Gene Snitsky

But just to be clear, it wasn't his fault

Mankind vs Barry Horowitz WWF Raw 06-03-1996

 Mankind vs  Barry Horowitz WWF Raw  06-03-1996

The cliché when wrestlers talk about crafting their successful gimmick is "It's like me with the volume turned way up"

Let's skip past the Nigel Tufnel of it all, and just focus on the gist of the statement.  I added the caveat of "Successful gimmick" in there because I really doubt Mike Shaw saw a lot of himself in the Bastion Booger gimmick. He did see a lot of himself because he was almost naked, but I meant more in the mindset sense.  The idea of using yourself as the base for your professional wrestling character has sound logic. So much of wrestling is how your character reacts to situations. Obviously it's a hell of a lot easier to react naturally when you're acting naturally. We all have different versions of yourself, as evidence by the shy polite version of me whenever has to make a phone call. So it makes sense for Steve Austin to go, I'm a brash redneck....let me just get brasher and rednecker ( neck redder?). It's easy for Eddie Kingston to go I talk shit and I like to hit people...let me make my character a guy who likes to talk shit and hit people. It's super logical for Mick Foley to go, I like Christmas and dad jokes so let me make a character that's tortured  abused concert pianist who inflicts pain on his opponents. As The Ringer's Ryen Russilo would say

Wait, What?

D'Lo Brown vs Doug Basham WWF Shotgun Saturday Night 07-24-1999

D'Lo Brown vs Doug Basham WWF Shotgun Saturday Night 07-24-1999

Everyone my age has a favorite wrestler from The Monday Night Wars

 I was in the tail end of elementary school in the late 90s,  which was prime Pro Wrestling fandom time. There were wrestling shirts are far as the eye could see, which I was a short kid so not very far, but you get my point. I remember going to a  Boy Scouts Pinewood Derby on a Monday Night and there was a kid who was relaying the information about that night's Raw to everyone. It was 1998 so he must have been  calling someone on a payphone or something during breaks, how the hell else would he know? Everyone had their favorites, there were the DX Kids and the NWO kids and The Stone Cold kids and The Rock kids and the ECW kid but the ECW kid was the bad kid so we all sort of stayed away from him. By the time I hit middle school the popularity of wrestling was waning and I had to return underground, lest I be accused of being uncool. Me? Uncool? Did you not see this Limp Bizkit shirt I'm wearing sir? I  As time goes on though, people's attitudes towards wrestling soften and nostalgia sits in. For a lot of people, The Monday Night Wars lines up perfectly with some of their last carefree days of youth. Middle School is an absolute warzone, pun not intended, so I think a lot of us tend to look before then when we search out happy memories.  If you talk to any guy my age about wrestling, a lot of them will hand wave it and make fun of it and then once you start sharing stories  they begin to remember what they liked about it. All of them have their favorite guys. You're always gonna hear about DX, or NWO, or Stone Cold, those are a given. What's always fun is when they go deeper down the roster and start mentioning their favorites.

D'Lo Brown always shows up on the list.

"Wildman" Marc Mero vs Adam Groom WWF Superstars 04-13-1996

 "Wildman" Marc Mero vs Adam Groom  WWF Superstars 04-13-1996

Reinventing yourself is hard

Here I am, speaking on a subject like I'm some kind of expert. What am I a podcaster? No I'm something far worse, a blogger. I don't think I'm speaking out of turn here though. The benefit of being a blogger not a podcaster is  there's nobody to interrupt  me except my own train of thought. LFO's SUMMER GIRLS IS LESS A SONG AND MORE A SERIES OF FACTS. Sorry, train's getting back on the tracks here. Reinventing yourself is hard. I'm not speaking from a ton of experience , but I've had my moments. Like everyone I've had those moments of self-improvement where you reflect  and try to change yourself in a positive way. I've also had moments of shelf improvement where I look at an Ikea Bookcase I built and know I need to do better next time. It requires commitment and dedication . I don't know how people do it. I'm not talking about the bookcase, well I am talking about the bookcase too, but I really mean the reinventing part. I know how exhausting it has been to make smaller positive steps in my life, I can only imagine having to reconfigure my entire existence.

Especially in front of a worldwide audience. That's what Marc Mero had to do

Umaga vs. Brian Kendrick WWE Raw 01-21-2008

Umaga vs. Brian Kendrick WWE Raw 01-21-2008

I think Umaga is the greatest monster heel  WWE ever had.

There was bigger, there was scarier, but there was never anyone better. I don't think he gets even a fraction of the appreciation he should. I'm just over here biding my time for the nostalgia cycle to finally catch up to something I've known for a while. 

Umaga. Fucking. Ruled. 

Aside from being an absolute killer, Umaga worked so well because it shouldn't have worked so well. Like so many things pro wrestling, it sounds utterly absurd when you say it out loud. Ok so this new Samoan guy is gonna debut, well he's not a new Samoan guy as he was in a team with another Samoan guy a couple years ago based around the concept of time, but we're going to pretend he's a different guy. Anyways, he's gonna be like super Samoan. No., not a super Samoan like we made that other Samoan from the time based tag team, but this Samoan is gonna be like really Samoan. Like we're gonna make him a monster like how people think Samoa is, like but not in the Juniour Seau Samoan kind of way . I mean in the Wild Samoan kind of  way.  But he's not going to be part of The Wild Samoans, but he's going to be a wild Samoan.  it's gonna be rad man, he's gonna have his face tattooed and then  he's gonna get a  manager,  and get this it's the best part, its a Cuban guy because .......well we really like this Cuban guy. So what do you think?

I think it sounds dumb as shit

Rick Fuller vs. Doc Dean WCW Saturday Night 07-25-1998

 Rick Fuller vs. Doc Dean WCW Saturday Night  07-25-1998

I don't come from a place chockful of local celebrities.

There's not even a handful, let alone a chockful. I grew up in a town called Carver Massachusetts, a town best known for not a whole hell of a lot. It's a cranberry bog town that only has like four Dunkin Donuts which means it probably has the least Dunkin  per square inch in the entire state. There's  one road the runs the entire length of the town that has all the stuff. The rest is bogs and neighborhoods for the most part. My town is so not known for a whole hell of a lot that we don't even have a " Famous People from This Town" spot on Wikipedia. We just have one throwaway line of the only person famous that came from Carver. You saw the title of this match, so I assumed you guessed the correct answer which is of course

Mike Bennett

The Great Power Uti vs Drew Tossel Pro Wrestling USA 03-01-1985

The Great Power Uti vs Drew Tossel Pro Wrestling USA 03-01-1985

Once I found out this existed I HAD to get it on the blog.

Few people in wrestling are as fascinating as The Great Power Uti, King of Nigerian professional wrestling. I mean first off, it's always surprising when you hear of wrestling in a place you never expected. We know about the major hot spots ( Japan, Most of Europe, North America, etc ), but it's always jarring when you hear of a wrestling scene in a new part of the world. I guess it makes sense because professional wrestling's story structure is simple enough that it can translate to any part of the world. It's good vs. evil, heroes vs. villains, and The Great Power Uti vs. all who came before him. I did the most amount of research I ever did for an entry, which means I read a chapter from Mick Foley's book and listened to Cliff Compton's Art of Wrestling , both about The Great Power Uti. I don't know if his name is Power Uti or the Great Power Uti, but I keep hearing Cliff Compton''s voice saying The Great Power Uti in my head. The Great Power Uti was the king of Nigerian wrestling and had been for decades.  I say was because he was arrested for allegedly murdering his wife in 2018 and there is NO FOLLOW UP ANYWHERE. He could be dead or  in prison or wrestling Sylvan Grenier in a soccer stadium, I have zero idea.  I NEED YOUR HELP KEITH MORRISON. Cliff wasn't the only one who encountered Uti, as Mick Foley talked  in is first book about going on a tour overseas as a young man and encountering Uti. Mick Foley isn't the meanest dog in the yard, definitely a saying, but even he thought Uti was a jerk.  Time didn't soften his greatness, his power, or his shitty attitude as  though he encountered him some two decades later ... Cliff Compton felt the same way. Both men had different encounters with Uti, but the conclusions were the same

He was an asshole who was terrible at wrestling 

Ivan & Nikita Koloff vs Randy & Bill Mulkey -NWA Pro 09-??-1986

Ivan & Nikita Koloff vs Randy & Bill Mulkey -NWA Pro  09-??-1986

Russian heels do nothing for me.

It makes some sort of sense given my age. I was born only a year before the Berlin Wall fell. To me the Cold War was something you just  watch in movies or read about in books. Not books in High School of course. Why would we bother wanting to give teenagers an understanding of the world they're about to enter into. Screw that, we're gonna do 3 weeks on the fucking Magna Carta. If you take anything away from this blog, take away that I don't give a shit about the Magna Carta. I give more of a shit about Russian heels than I do the Magna Carta. I don't want this to get twisted, I have nothing against Russians heels. Some of them are quite good. What I mean by not giving a shit is I don't get a visceral response from it.  I grew up in a world without a cold war, so me I just always worse shorts.  I grew up without the fear of total nuclear annihilation from the Soviet Union. All I had to worry about was the ozone layer, global warming, mass shootings, school shootings, suicide bombers, airplane bombers, the polar icecaps melting, asteroids, and some other stuff I'll remember when I'm lying awake in bed and can't sleep

But yeah, it really stinks there was almost almost a war couple a times.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Mike Moraldo WWF Wrestling Challenge 03-06-1994

Jeff Jarrett vs. Mike Moraldo WWF Wrestling Challenge  03-06-1994

I used to be annoyed to be at a bar that didn't have karaoke at it.

It's not like I even sang that often, we will get to that later, but I just loved to people watch.  I became really invested in the weird karaoke politics. The DJs who tried really hard to make everything about them. The girl who sang Stuck like Glue, every....fucking....week. The drunk guy convinced he can nail a rap song and then losing the beat halfway through. It wasn't people watching so much as people staring. . Honestly, part of me was jealous of the chutzpah of it all. I didn't sing that much. Occasionally if I imbibed enough cocktails,  let's be honest if I drank too many Miller High Lifes, I would engage in a song.  CHAMPAGNE OF BEERS BABY . If I did sing, it was always going to be Mother by Danzig or a Boy Band song. You ever scream the words to All or Nothing at 12AM to a bunch of millennials, it's beautiful . A lot of it is, I can't sing. A lot of it is potential for embarrassment. Most of it is because I lack confidence in my lyrical ability. I know the first verse of tons of songs, and the second verse of about a handful, and the whole lyrics of maybe one or two. There isn't a whole lot in the karaoke playbook I feel confident in singing

And I'm still looking for the magical bar that has With My Baby Tonight in the songbook

Ric Flair vs Lee Scott NWA WCW Saturday Night 11-11-1989

Ric Flair vs Lee Scott  WCW  Saturday Night 11-11-1989

It's always an honor when you get to do an entry about the greatest wrestler of all time, Oh and Ric Flair's in this match too.

Even as a joke I know that's going to make people mad, so what I'm about to say is a lot worse. I think Ric Flair is good.  That's about it. I like Ric Flair. I respect Ric Flair, as a wrestler. I just don't get Ric Flair. This is just my personal opinion, like everything else on here, but I think at a certain point everyone decided Ric Flair was the best of all-time and  I don't see it man  I know there is a regional bias as I'm a self-confessed WWF kid, but I don't think it explains the whole thing. I know there is also the age bias as I wasn't around for a lot of Ric Flair's prime, but I don't think it explains the whole thing. I suppose I could be a contrarian on this, but even that I don't think that explains the whole thing. For whatever reason, I've just never viewed him  as the GOAT. I've viewed him as a horse's ass on multiple occasions, but that's a whole different avenue of the barnyard. Be that as it may. Nevertheless. Notwithstanding. People think Ric Flair is the greatest wrestler of all time

I don't think he's even the greatest wrestler in this match

Ahmed Johnson Vs Jeff Brettler WWF Raw 01-08-1996

Ahmed Johnson Vs Jeff Brettler WWF Raw 01-08-1996

A recurring theme of this blog lately is, how is a wrestler remembered?

For some reason I keep harping back on it. Maybe it's because so much of what we have covered has been based around my own nostalgia. Maybe it's because I'm fighting an  invisible strawman who remember things incorrectly.  Maybe it's because I'm fighting a visible strawman who remembers things incorrectly.

I'll fist fight a scarecrow, I don't give a shit. 

For whatever reason, it's something that is stoking my interest. I feel this need to defend wrestlers I don't think have gotten a fair shake. I feel the need to defend guys like Ahmed Johnson.  The question I asked at the beginning of this blog is, how is a wrestler remembered. A guy like Ahmed seems to be remembered more for his mishaps than his matches. His most notable trait is probably his incomprehensible promos. Don't get me wrong, I say 'Juice Make Sugar", just as much as the next guy, but he's been boiled down into a cartoon. If it's not about his marble mouthed mic skills, it's about his injury luck. I once said Ken Kennedy was the most snakebit  pro wrestler, but Ahmed Johnson is right up there with him. He suffered so many fluke injuries that weren't his fault and he never recovered. His WWF run was only 3 years and a significant portion of it was spent on the injury shelf. If you ask a lot of people, he was a guy who WWE wanted to push but wasn't ready.

A lot of people are fucking stupid. Ahmed Johnson fucking ruled

The Hardliners (Dick Murdoch & Dick Slater) vs. Rikki Nelson & Joey Maggs NWA Main Event 07-21-1991

The Hardliners (Dick Murdoch & Dick Slater) vs. Rikki Nelson & Joey Maggs NWA Main Event 07-21-1991

 Massachussetts must have the most angry old men per capita.

Other places probably have more, but I don't think any straight has such a concentrated amount. I say concentrated, because those old bastards spend a lot of time thinking about how miserable they want to make you. It makes sense, the whole Northeast is full of angry old dudes. I can't same I blame them, every winter is a hellscape. Or whatever a cold version of a hellscape would be.  It doesn't even matter what kind of winter we get, the threat is always constantly looming. We could have a mild winter for 3 months, but all it symbolizes to us is to watch out for that the fourth month. That month will will do everything it can to break our spirit and make us humble. It wears a man down. There's also  the internalized hatred of everyone in this region. Whereas other Northeast states do have their fare share of self-loathing, Massachussetts is the epicenter of it. It's some sort of engrained puritan DNA brought over by the Pilgrims that we haven't quite got out of our systems.  People have tried to flush it out with alcohol,. but it hasn't taken yet.  

The worst that can happen WILL happen, so you're best bet is to make someone else feel bad instead. 

That's our state poem. 

Originally it was something by Walt Whitman, but this new one is by some guy named Teddy the attorney general met at a dive bar down the cape. Regardless, it's just the cycle around here. Every single person from the state has an angry old man in their life. Maybe it's their dad, maybe it's their grandad, maybe its themselves....but 90 percent of the time...it's their uncle. Everyone with a parent with a sibling has an angry Massachusetts uncle.  So out of towner, I know you're asking .....what are they like?

They're a lot like Dick Murdoch and Dick Slater

Nailz vs Ken Johnson WWF Superstars 11-14-1992

Nailz vs  Ken Johnson WWF Superstars  11-14-1992

Nailz is the Johnny Lawrence of early 1990s WWF.

On paper, it seems like an absurd analogy. But that's kind of been my whole deal on this blog. I throw something nutty out there and then I sort of trying to make it make make sense along the way, Michael Scott Style.  This one though is pretty easy, as both men represent the misunderstood villain. Not in the Frankenstein way. Yes I know it's Frankenstein's monster, I purposely messed up so I could tell anyone whos' immediate instinct was to correct me to go touch grass. Feel it betwixt your toes. Feel nice? 

Good, now fuck off.  

Cactus Jack vs. Rex Cooper WCW Main Event 12-13-1992

Cactus Jack vs. Rex Cooper WCW Main Event 12-13-1992

I don't know how we got here, but I think we've hit a point where Mick Foley is underrated

I don't know if it's because I'm a pro wrestling boomer and I think these kids today are watching too many Billy Ostrich matches and listening to their Dan Fogelberg records too loudly, but I don't think Mick gets the proper amount of appreciation.  I'm betting for a lot of younger fans, Mick Foley is more known for his goofy demeanor than his bloody matches. I can't blame them, there were people who were born after Mick Foley's first "retirement match" who can legally drink now. That's absurd. I thought we all agreed to stop making people after Mick Foley retired.  Mick wrestled full-time from 1983 to 2000 which means that Mick's been out of the game longer than he was in the game. It is just nature that as the inevitable march  of time continues, parts of his legacy gets forgotten. He just becomes the guy who wrote some books, got tossed off a cell, and wore a stinky sock on his hand.  He gets knocked down the all-timer list just a little bit more. People forget how over he was as a babyface in the Attitude Era. People forget he was the main event of the greatest episode of RAW. People forget he is one of the greatest promos in the history of professional wrestling.

Even I forget

The Goon vs. Doug Allen WWF Superstars 08-10-1996

The Goon vs. Doug Allen WWF Superstars 08-10-1996 

I don't know how people can like hockey.

I can feel the recoil of horror by a thousand of white men with burly beards, but drink some of the I.P.A I know you have in the fridge and settle down for  a moment. I didn't say it was bad, I just said I don't know how people can like it. It's a terrible sport for someone with anxiety to watch. It's pure chaos. Yeah, I know there's strategy and formations and gamesmanship, but all I see is constant motion and perpetual anarchy. I don't know how people do it.  Every hockey game I've ever watched has spiked ,y anxiety, and I have such little stakes invested. It's no secret from the blog, but I'm a basketball kid. You can like both sports, but you can't be a big fan of both. People say they are, but they're lying. I'm sure there are people who watch all the Celtics games AND all the Bruins games, but I'm willing to be those people have no sense of a world outside of sports. WHEN WILL YOU FIND THE TIME TO WATCH THE PARAMOUNT NETWORK.  It's exhausting enough just following one of those teams.  That said, despite my lack of hockey fandom...there are elements I enjoy. 

Like institutionalized fighting

Bart Gunn vs. Pepe Gonzalez WWF Shotgun Saturday Night 08-08-1998

Bart Gunn vs. Pepe Gonzalez WWF Shotgun Saturday Night 08-08-1998 

I feel like Kevin Malone talking about Pam and Jim not getting together when I think about the WWF Brawl for All.

What a waste.

We recently talked in depth on here about the Brawl for All in regards to "Dr"Death Steve Williams. For those who don't know what it is, I'll give you the brief summary. WWE had a bunch of guys on Monday Nigh Raw fight for real.  That's it.  In that tournament, nobody picked Bart Gunn to win. Not only did Bart Gunn win, but he kicked the shit out of everyone. Bart Gunn's mama must have been a huge LL Cool J mark , because someone told Bart Gunn to knock everyone the fuck out. Unless I'm way off, Bart Gunn was never very high on the list of pro wrestling tough guys.  He was a solid enough wrestler, and  before everything was known as a tag guy with his fake brother Billy. After The Smokin Gunns broke up Bart embarked on a feud with a lack of TV Time. 

Lack of TV Time won the feud handedly.

Stuck in a sort of mid-card purgatory, Bart was one of the men picked to enter Brawl for All. I can't help but think when they organized the tournament that Bart was in the cannon fodder section. At the time Bart was part of 'The New Midnight Express" and his name was Bodacious Bart. I don't think anyone I would ever predict someone nicknamed Bodacious could kick my ass. You know what happens when you assume though. You make a rash judgement based on lacking all the facts out of you and me, The Brawl for All was a revelation though as it turns out Bart could throw his hands. The WWF locker room at the time was full of a lot of bad dudes, but if pressed I would say only Bart Gunn would be considered a bad enough dude to rescue the president.  While not expecting him to ever win, WWE was given an opportunity.  Bart wasn't a perfect wrestler and he did lack certain things, but WWE had done more with less. He wasn't becoming the next Austin or anything, but if you watch The Brawl for All matches the crowd is starting to go with Bart a little bit. There's enough meat on the bone where you figure, hey let's give this guy just a little bity push. He doesn't need to be champion, but maybe it was time for Bart Gunn to finally get a victory in his everlasting feud with a lack of Television time.

Or maybe WWE sends him home for six months

The New Foundation vs Todd Overbow and Kris Germany WWF Superstars 02-29-1992

The New Foundation vs Todd Overbow & Kris Germany WWF Superstars  02-29-1992

I used to be the kind of guy who cared about reboots or sequels

I came into my twenties as seeing  one of the first waves of prominent reimagining of Beloved I.P.  No not remakes of the Oprah Winfrey film, which I just looked up on Wikipedia for the first time and man was I way off on what that movie was about. I'm talking about taking franchises and updating them for the modern era.  Any movie or TV show that once proved popular was going to get a second crack at mainstream relevance. Now, I was a film student in college. I always tell people I was the world's worst film student because my interests did not align with my classmates. When people listed their favorite films I was the lone student who mentioned Bloodsport. I tried to find common ground and join the campus' film club, but the pitch I heard in their first meeting filled me with so much anger that I promptly went home and went to bed. I've never been that annoyed at a bad idea in my life, and I have tons of bad ideas.  Despite my status as a terrible film dork, I was still a film dork. I still had all these self-imposed standards for what I thought modern film should be. Luckily,  I never reached full  THIS MOVIE RUINED MY CHILDHOOD level. Newsflash: If doing a sequel to a movie you like ruined your childhood then you probably didn't have a good one. Eventually I grew up and realized that it doesn't matter. The things you like don't have to fully define your personality. It's ok if there is a new Ghostbusters, it doesn't take away from what you liked about the old one. For the most part, the sequels and the reboots are fine. It doesn't matter if they redo it.

But Fuck The New Foundation

Johnny Spade vs Leviathan (Batista) OVW 08-26-2000

Johnny Spade vs Leviathan (Batista)  OVW 08-26-2000

Anyone who says they could have predicted where Batista's career would have ended up is full of shit

 If you had asked me the odds in the 2000s that Batista would end up in a movie where he played Jodie Foster's sidekick, I would have assumed John Hinckley kidnapped her and forced her to make it at gunpoint. Nobody saw it coming, and I think it's because how he looked. It's not fair, but we perceive muscle guys in wrestling all the same. They've got jacked bodies, and not much else. We don't see what's inside the muscle boys.  One paragraph in and this is already getting accidently horny. What I mean is, muscle guys in wrestling are rarely viewed as three dimensional human beings. A lot of that is the portrayal. There are hundreds of big, jacked up wrestlers whos whole gimmick was big jacked up wrestler. Hard to find pathos with that gimmick. Even Hercules, of Greek mythology, had to go through his trials. Hercules the wrestler didn't have to do shit. He just had to carry around a chain to symbolize he was strong for some reason. Batista is the exception not the rule, because Batista didn't settle. He developed a unique skillset and showed a different personality than we were used to seeing.  Batista developed great mic skills. Batista developed great characterization. I can go on and on, great summarizations. Great conclusions. My English Teacher would be smiling ,but I'm tired and I want to go to the diner. So let's just say this, Batista developed into a hell of an all-around wrestler. Nobody could have seen that coming, especially in the year 2000

If you didn't read that in the Conan O'Brien bit voice that I'm not entirely sure we could be friends. Acquaintances maybe, but we'll never be super close.

Michael Hayes vs Bill Tyree WCW Worldwide 02-05-1994

Michael Hayes vs Bill Tyree squash WCW Worldwide  02-05-1994

I sometimes forget I'm 34.

A lot of it probably has to do with the fact I only turned 34 like 2 weeks ago. It's a number I never thought I would see. Not because of a reckless lifestyle or anything, I just sort of assumed I'd neve rget there.. I never thought I'd be trading in my Larry Bird Jersey for a Paul Pierce jersey. I never thought I'd be a year away from being able to run for president. My presidential platform will be very, very tall. I don't feel like I'm 34, but I guess I never knew what it was like to be 34 until I hit it.  I guess as you grow up you realize age isn't what you thought it was.  As a younger man, I assumed that by 34 I would have it all figured out. That I would be the Ultimate Adult, the less successful Jim Helwig gimmick. Well, pretty much the only indication that I'm adult man is I pay taxes, my hairs going grey, and I have a mustache. Even the mustache is about 2 weeks old. I really I thought I'd be more obviously 34 by now. Is it perspective or do people just age better now. Because I got to ask....

How the fuck am I the same age as Michael Hayes in this match?

Fit Finlay vs Lorenzo WCW Saturday Night 03-21-1998

Fit Finlay vs Lorenzo WCW Saturday Night 03-21-1998

In theory wrestling should cater to everyone.

I say in theory because sometimes wrestling gets to be a bit too niche and up it's ass for it's own good. Wrestling should be something that can be enjoyed, or at least tolerated, by the whole family. There should be larger than life heroes for the little boys. There should be strong female protagonists for the girls. There should some some badassery for the dad. There should be some hunks for the mom because odds are if she's at a wrestling show than either the kids or dad dragged her there. Much like a shitty strap match, wrestling has to hit all four quadrants to succeed. We're forgetting an important family member here. No, not your cousin Steve who swears to you that there were two Steve Austins. I'm talking about the patriarch of the patriarch. I'm talking about your grandfather. Wrestling fandom has a habit at being passed down generationally, so there's a chance your grandpa was a pro wrestling fan. Maybe the world passed him by a bit and he couldn't keep up. He doesn't want to live in our modern lifestyle. Fuck that, stuff is dumb now. So how can he follow pro wrestling without an avatar, not the Al snow Version. Well hyptheticall grandpa, you're in luck

Fit Finlay is for the grandads

KroniK vs 3 Count WCW Monday Nitro 10-23-2000

KroniK vs 3 Count WCW Monday Nitro 10-23-2000

I don't think I could make it as an influencer.

For starters, I'm a luddite with technology. I have such a basic understanding of Instagram that begins and ends with, its the app with pictures on it. There's also the fact I'm not exactly great at selling anything, as evidenced by the opening part of this blog being about why I'm not good at something. I'm The Road Warriors of Praise, I don't feel it. Lastly and probably most importantly, I'm not sure I'm the best tastemaker. Don't get me wrong, I love the stuff I love and I refuse to love anything ironically, but a lot of the stuff I like is goofy. Sometimes I can't figure out if the stuff I like is considered actually good or just good by me. It doesn't bother me really, because I don't want to end up one of those weirdos on Letterboxed who is shitting all over Jurassic World while leaving 5 star reviews for a film about a cockroach that becomes a butterfly. But, I can't help but doubt if I'm just way off on stuff.

I mean, I did watch WCW more than WWF in 2000

Colt Cabana vs Belgian Brawler OVW 6-22-07

 Colt Cabana vs Belgian Brawler OVW 6-22-07

I still can't believe WWE whiffed so hard on Colt Cabana

I mean, I shouldn't be surprised. This blog is chock full of cautionary tales and can't miss prospects who somehow missed. But even for WWE, the unwillingness to do anything with Cabana is shocking.  A veteran of the independent wrestling scene, Colt Cabana always had the uncanny ability to stand out. Whereas so many wrestlers would zig, Cabana would zag. When everyone was becoming a serious pro wrestler, Cabana was one of the few who leaned into the entertainment side. When everyone learned how to do that British style of wrestling and wasted my time with hours of intricate wristlocks, Cabana learned that style and used it to become an expert comedy wrestler.  He may not have had the best match on the show, but you were always going to remember Colt Cabana's match. So when rumors surfaced that WWE was interested in Colt Cabana, it made perfect sense. If you asked me in 2007 what indie wrestler would have had the most success in WWE, I would have answered Colt Cabana without blinking an eye. I didn't think he would be a world champion, but c'mon it writes itself. Cabana had charisma not only up the ass, but out the ass as well. He was going to be a great foil to some shitty heel. In a company that's all about filling TV time, you could spend a million worse ways than getting Cabana on their for a segment.

I should have known better

Hall of Fame Squash: Sid Vicious vs. Lee Scott NWA Main Event 08-27-1989

Hall of Fame Squash:Sid Vicious vs. Lee Scott NWA Main Event 08-27-1989

I had to make the 100th entry special

God I hope this  actually ends up as the 100th entry, because if I do the math wrong on this I'm going to be the laughingstock of the grindcore/ squash match blog community. I really felt as though I needed something to celebrate a milestone entry in the blog. I figure doing the 100th entry made the most sense, but honestly that's because I forgot to do this at the 69th. Up top my brother.  I figured that by the time I got to the 100th entry, some of the growing pains of the blog would be figured out and I'd have a more clearly defined style. With all that in mind, I knew once I got to a big milestone there was only one match that I could possibly review that would deserve the honor

A match I consider to be the greatest squash match of all time