Awesome Kong vs Gail Kim TNA Impact 10-11-2007

Awesome Kong vs Gail Kim TNA Impact 10-11-2007

I know what you're thinking.

 Finally, a dude is going to give his opinion of women's wrestling

I know this is like seeing a Unicorn catch a rainbow, but no need to pinch yourself this is really happening. All I'm saying not all heroes wear capes, some talk wrestling. I think it's pretty obvious I'm joking like the professor that housed Dylan's burger, but just in case...I'm joking, like the professor that housed Dylan's burger. A lot of dudes have given a lot of opinions on a lot of women's wrestling over the years, so let's just hope mine ain't so bad.

It has been remarkable to watch the rise of women's wrestling over the past few years. It was a long an arduous process, which has only really picked up momentum in recent years. I think the obvious tipping point for mainstream acceptance was NXT and The Four Horsewomen of Bayley, Becky Lynch, Sasha Banks, and Charlotte Flair. Maybe I'm speaking to my own personal experience, but it was the first time I felt the momentum of women's wrestling becoming an equal part of pro wrestling television. This is of course before WWE had to brand it, "Women's Revolution" or "Womens Evolution" or " Women aren't being taken seriously and we're all trying to figure out the guy that did this while Stephanie McMahon is wearing a hot dog costume". Very heavy Tim Robinson entry today apparently. While the NXT women were probably the tipping point, it is interesting to go back and look at how we got here. It wasn't that all of a sudden it shifted perception, there was a slow build that may have gone unnoticed at the time. First we have to give credit to Shimmer, the women;s indepndent wrestling company that helped to build so many of the stars of modern women's wrestling. I do want to see if I can find any Shimmer content for the blog so I don't want to get too deep into it, but I'd be a grade a crum bum if I didn't pause to give them their appropriate praise. It wasn't just Shimmer either, there was another company I think played a unsung part in all this

TNA

I know right? 

Hall of Fame Squash: Roddy Piper vs. AJ Petrucci WWF Championship Wrestling 08-23-1986

Roddy Piper vs. AJ Petrucci  WWF Championship Wrestling 08-23-1986

Roddy Piper is for the moms.

My poor mother has had to deal with my affinity for pro wrestling for years. She has very kindly and politely kept her opinion of how dumb it is to herself. There are only two times I ever saw her out and out enjoy herself during wrestling. The first one is when Shawn Michaels butt came out in the Wrestlemania 10 ladder match. To this day, she can't even talk about it without breaking down into crying bouts of laughter. " HIS ASS WAS OUT THERE AND HE WAS ON THE LADDER BEN IT WAS THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER". The other time is when she woke me up to let me know Roddy Piper was in WCW. How she found out Piper debuted I've never figured out.  Every now and then all of a sudden we would get a free PPV on our television and I think that's what happened. She somehow stumbled upon the end of Halloween Havoc 1996 and Piper's debut. Now I mentioned she woke me up to tell me Roddy Piper debuted, but I don't think it was for my benefit. I think she was just genuinely excited Roddy Piper was back and wanted to tell someone, so she woke up her 8 year old son WHO HAD TO BE UP FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS MOM. Don't ask me why , but my mom isn't the only one I've heard of who loved Roddy. I've talked to multiple people over the years who've mentioned that their mom's favorite was Roddy Piper. It's mind-blowing. Was it because he was handsome? Was it because he was funny? Was it because he was a bad buy? I thought about it a lot and I came to one logicial explanation

Because Roddy Piper is awesome as shit

The Naturals and David Young vs 3 Live Kru (Konnan, BG James, and Ron "The Truth" Killings") TNA Impact 06-10-2004

The Naturals and David Young vs 3 Live Kru (Konnan, Road Dogg, and Ron "The Truth" Killings") TNA Impact 06-10-2004

I can't believe I forgot about 3 Live Kru

One of the fun things of the blog has been activating memories that were lost. Things I had just straight up forgot happened. As long as it doesn't resurface some alien abduction trauma, that'll continue to be my favorite part of this blog. Even  with my brain forgetting stuff more than it used to ( WHERES THE FUCKING REMOTE) I can't believe I forgot about 3 Live Kru.  Even my brain forgetting stuff more than it used to ( WHERES THE FUCKING REMOTE) , I can't believe I forgot about 3 Live Kru. Formed in the early days of TNA, 3 Live Kru was comprised of BG James, Ron Killings, and Konnan. At the time, I considered all three of them to be the coolest wrestlers I'd ever seen. Not necessarily the best, but the coolest.  All of them deserve their own entries, but we can do a quick dip into their whole deals. That's the phrase right?

Hall of Fame Squash: The Samoan Swat Team vs Cougar Jay & Jerry Price NWA/WCW World Wide Wrestling 07-21-1989

The Samoan Swat Team vs Cougar Jay & Jerry Price NWA WCW World Wide Wrestling 07-21-1989

I miss the PWI Almanac

For those who don't recall it, starting in the late 90s Pro Wrestling Illustrated released a yearly almanac. I thought that was implied by calling it the PWI Almanac, but since you begged me for clarification.  For a giant wrestling nerd like me it was great, because it featured every PWI 500 ranking ever, every champion of every company ever, every PPV result ever, and tons more I'm forgetting and don't feel like researching. I read that thing constantly. That's back when I was one of them there readers. I didn't want to talk to my family because I was a pre-teen, so I would bring my PWI magazines or PWI Almanac to the dining room table and just read it. I just was constantly thumbing through it. My dad actually once  yelled at me for taking too much time in the bathroom. It dawned on me years later he thought I was masturbating, when it actuality I was just taking my time pooping and reading WCW PPV results. I WASNT JERKING OFF I WAS READING ABOUT CHARLIE NORRIS DAD

"The Taskmaster" Kevin Sullivan vs The Mighty Yankee WCW Main Event 06-09-1996

 "The Taskmaster" Kevin Sullivan vs The Mighty Yankee WCW Main Event 06-09-1996

There's absolutely no chance this match didn't occur just because Kevin Sullivan is a Red Sox fan.

Its June 1996 and in just a few months The Yankees will win yet another goddamn World Series. Meanwhile The Red Sox will finish third in the division and all I remember from that season is it's the year Roger Clemens left. It wasn't exactly the funnest time to be a Red Sox fan, but then again no time before 2004 was fun to be a Red Sox fan. I'm lucky I was born in 88, I only had to hear stories about the drought. It got so bad that once you would hear about someone elderly dying your IMMEDIATE reaction would be to start doing the math to see if they ever saw a Red Sox title.  By the time I was a teenager me and my friends would play a game anytime we found yourself in a large group of people. Whether it be on a subway, or at a parade, or leaving a show..... If you yelled Yankees Suck at least twice, within about 2 minutes a chant would get going. That's a level of petty even Tom can't comprehend. So I can only imagine that Kevin Sullivan, who I believe was booking WCW at the time, saw a gimmick called The Mighty Yankee and decided he needed to work some shit out.

For me personally, Kevin Sullivan is one of the most interesting people in wrestling history. In a business dominated by giants, Kevin Sullivan is billed at 5'9 ( no way) and became a major heel everywhere he went. In 1980s Florida, Kevin fed into the Satanic Panic and became Satan incarnate to that audience. Go back and watch old Florida angles, there was some heavy heavy stuff going on. People thought Kevin Sullivan was the Devil. And most important of all. Most remarkable of all. Most unbelievable of all

He had one of the thickest Boston accents I've ever heard

The Sheepherders vs Bobby Howell and Craig Whitford UWF Power Pro Wrestling 09-09-1987

The Sheepherders vs Bobby Howell and Craig Whitford  09-09-1987

As a society, where do we fall on Sugar Ray?

I assumed as a culture we all have positive feelings about them, but you never know nowadays.  I googled "Mark McGrath cancelled" to make sure he didn't do anything problematic, but the only thing that came up was they cancelled a cruise in 2013 during that Poop Cruise fiasco. Ironically Poop Cruise Fiasco opened for Sugar Ray on their '99 tour. Anyways, Sugar Ray was a band that came to me in a time period of unformed musical taste. As a child,  VH1 and MTV were a constant in my house. The first time I ever heard "Fly" by Sugar Ray, I was like....whoa....this is different. I had never heard of Sugar Ray because I was 11 and I'd only heard of like 10 bands. But it had a cool video, it had a good hook, it had a dude randomly rapping over the lyrics. That would of course be Super Cat. To this day, if "Fly" comes on the radio and it's not the Super Cat version I get kind of bullshit about that. Sugar Ray followed that up with songs like "Every Morning" and "When It's Over" and became the kings of VH1's Top 20 Countdown.  I don't mean this as an insult, but Sugar Ray was a great band for a 11 year old to get into.  They had silly videos, they weren't dirty, and they were fairly toothless. I was 11 years old, I didn't need anything heavy....I just wanted something light.  And also to Fly,

Sometime later on in the 90s, we got an N64 and biweekly trips to the Video Store became the norm. Trips to the video store were always a risk because you were liable to get sucked into a shitty game by cool box art. I don't even know why I picked it, but one week we decided to get Road Rash 64. Wait I know why I picked it, it's a game where you drive a motorcycle and try to kill other people on motorcycles. The math is legit..  It's basically Mad Max and the soundtrack was definitely a lot heavier than what I was used to. My musical taste had been evolving though , but man there was this one song on there I really liked. 

"Mean Machine". 

It was heavy and fast and loud and I thought man, I gotta get one of my friends with Kazaa to get me more from this band.  I was too afraid to have it on my own computer. Anyways what band sings this? It's fucking Sugar Ray?  WHAT? Go back and listen to anything before "Fly", Sugar Ray was a completely different band. They weren't exactly a punk or metal band, but they were way heavier and played way faster. There wasn't any acoustic ballads before Fly, i just Mark McGrath singing about chicks and cars. It blew my mind that this VH1 band could have snuck onto Headbanger's Ball and nobody would have batted an eye. How could these dudes go from singing about a mean machine to singing about their girlfriend's four post bed.

I couldn't understand.

Meng vs T Rantula WCW Saturday Night 05-24-1997

Meng vs T Rantula WCW Saturday Night 05-24-1997

This blog isn't my first crack at it.

Some people who are already reading this might know that already. Most people reading this probably don't though, because it's god.....got to be close to a decade old.  I graduated college in 2012 and promptly began getting my life in order. Just kidding, I worked my usual summer job and then was unemployed for a few months.  I was living at home, didn't have any real bills yet, and had no real direction. I had no fake direction either.  I did have a goal though, one that was easily attainable if I just did a little hard work. 

I wanted to be Bill Simmons

It's insane now, but back then it was merely crazy. A roommate of mine had gotten me into Bill Simmons and I was hooked. I listened to every podcast, , read every column, bought every book. All of It. I thought that if I had all this free time sitting around not working, I could become the Bill Simmons of pro wrestling. I was funny, I was from Boston, I liked run on sentences, I was basically his protégé, he just didn't know it yet. So I gathered my friends and pitched them the idea for a wrestling blog. It would be our Grantland. We'd do match reviews, running diaries, opinion pieces, theme weeks, and everything else Bill and company did. I would of course have my own weekly column because I was 23 and my ego was Hoobastank levels of out of control.. We just needed a name. Something that would intrigue people to visit the site. Something to pay tribute to a wrestler we all loved

ItsRainingMeng

Hall of Fame Squash: Brock Lesnar Vs Spanky WWE SmackDown 08-14-2003

Brock Lesnar Vs Spanky WWE SmackDown 08-14-2003

Two Years.

That's the length of Brock Lesnar's initial WWE run. I know, I couldn't believe it either. Brock Lesnar returned to WWE in 2012, so this second run has lasted five times as long as the initial run.  His initial run though was epic. I don't think WWE has ever successfully pushed a guy to the moon that quickly. They've pushed guys quick, but what said Brock apart was he was actually ready for it.  Lesnar debuted in March 2002 by destroying three guys in a hardcore match . This was before I was the internet, so all I had to go on was a PWI 500 entry written while Lesnar was in OVW that mentioned he could do a shooting star press.  I could be wrong, but I don't think Lesnar's gimmick  in OVW was even close to "absolute monster psycho". Didn't he wear a singlet and do amateur wrestling stuff?  So imagine the surprise when he shows up with Paul Heyman and murders poor Spike Dudley with powerbombs. The Lesnar push continued, so much so that within SIX MONTHS he wins the King of the Ring, Beats Hulk Hogan, and Beats The Rock to become the WWE Undisputed Champion. Not only that, but it never felt like he was shoved down people's throats. He just was that good and got that over that quickly.  He then goes through regular WWE badass heel champion routine. Loses the belt, turns babyface, becomes babyface champion, feuds with some guys,  and of course has to turn back heel because they realize he's better at it . Whenever a monster that has turned face needs to  e turned back heel, WWE has always been great at immediately throwing them into the fire to remove any trace of likability. Someone must be sacrificed to the gods of Heel Heat

Sorry Spanky

Tank Abbott vs Villano IV WCW Saturday Night 02-06-2000

Tank Abbott vs Villano IV WCW Saturday Night 02-06-2000

It is shocking that the UFC is as mainstream as it is.

I'm a 90s kid, and so UFC came around when I was very young. I don't remember the first time I saw it. Maybe it was on one of those PPV preview channels, maybe it was in a video store, maybe someone ordered it and I saw a clip. All I know was as a child I thought, isn't that the show where they kill people? That was basically how I thought it was marketed, I thought the UFC was a show where people fought to the death. It's not like UFC did much to dissuade that reputation, but I'm sure I took a big leap in logic there. UFC was forbidden in our house, but it's not like I was clamoring to watch it. I cried with Yokozuna beat Bret Hart for the WWF title, I don't think I'd have reacted well to seeing an actual murder. I was fascinated by it as a forbidden thing. The UFC section was next to the Wrestling Tapes at the video store, and so I'd look at the back of the boxes and try to figure out what it was all about. On the playground, there was always at least one kid who said they had watched UFC it but I'm going to bet they were full of shit. YOUR MOM DOESNT LET YOU WATCH POWER RANGERS KEVIN, YOU DIDNT WITNESS A MURDER.

It's weird to think about how you could be aware of things you never saw, but even as a kid without ever seeing UFC there were 3 names I am confident I knew existed. Obviously I knew Ken Shamrock from his WWF run. Royce Gracie I knew because he was the face of UFC. Then, there was Tank Abbott. There are either two reasons I knew who Tank Abbott and I can't remember why. Option one was, his name was Tank Abbott and he looked like that so  there was no way I was going to forget him. Option two, he was on Friends in that episode where Jon Favreau's character joins the UFC. It's probably half of one, six dozen of another. Either way, Tank Abbott was someone that even as a child I recognized was an absolute monster. One of those guys you don't want to run into in a dark alley. 

Although I mean, I don't want to run into anyone down a dark alley. It's a dark alley. It's scary

The Fake Undertaker (Brian Lee) vs Butch Banks WWF Raw 08-01-1994

The Fake Undertaker (Brian Lee) vs Butch Banks WWF Raw 08-01-1994

Wrestling is so stupid and I love it

It took me a long time  to say it out loud. because I spent years defending pro wrestling. If you've been a fan long enough, you know what I'm talking about. At a certain point in my life, you have to defend wrestling from everyone. Maybe it's your parents, maybe its your friends, maybe its the movies, maybe it's the books, maybe it's the government, maybe it's the crooks. Chris Gaines> Garth Brooks.  Whomever it is, it typically involves being told how stupid or fake professional wrestling is. When you're younger, you can't accept it because you can't accept that idea that it isn't cool.  So, you try your work arounds and to try and sway their point of view. Well actually wrestling requires super athletic ability. Well actually wrestling does a lot of damage to the participant's bodies. Well actually wrestlers sacrifice a lot for the business. All those things can be true, and sometimes you can change someone's mind. You can change their point of view. But it doesn't change a fundamental truth.

Wrestling is so stupid

Hall of Fame Squash: Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs Marty Garner WWF Superstars 06-01-1996

Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs Marty Garner WWF Superstars 06-01-1996

I think Triple H might be the worst wrestler of all time

I know I'm being a little bit ESPN First Takey with that take, ironically the first of this blog entry, but I'm about 80 percent sure I believe it. I'm reserving a 20 percent chance that I'm either forgetting someone I enjoy less or that I'm letting my biases cloud my judgement. And believe me I am biased.  I lived through the HHH reign of terror of the 2000s in WWE. It was awful. I've seen some revisionist history of " WWE needed a heel" and " actually the matches were good" , and I've prepared a thoughtful and measured response

Fuck off Dude

Don Muraco vs Captain Badd UWF Fury Hour 02-15-1991

Don Muraco vs Captain Badd  UWF Fury Hour 02-15-1991

If you read the title of this entry and thought, "maybe this match will surprise me". It will not. This is going to be exactly what your gut was telling it was. It is going to be Badd.  This match has all the hallmarks of a bad squash match. First we have an older version of Don Muraco. I do like Don Muraco  .Don will be definitely showing up later in the blog because Don was super fun during some squash matches, including at one point eating a meatball sub during a match. He was someone who seemed to get that you had to do something to stand out in those situations.  The problem is Don is way past his prime here. He's 42 years old and he's not so much "The Rock" anymore as much as he's " Fucking 42 years old with a thick fucking belly". Also working against this match is the fact it's in Herb Abrams' UWF. UWF was a legendary flop of a wrestling company run by a man who thought he could compete with Vince McMahon. Some say he lacked hubris, other say it's because he was a coked out psycho. Little of column a, lot of column b. There's far too much about Herb Abrams for me to explain, so just know that UWF has their own Dark Side of the Ring episode . Nobody gets a Dark Side of the Ring because everything went swimmingly. Lastly, we have maybe the best jobber name of all time

Captain Badd

That's the only reason I watched this match, because I wanted to see Captain Badd.  The Captain is just a guy in a mask. That's It. I had pictured a nautical themed wrestler or an army captain, but no Captain Badd is just a guy in a mask. I'm not even disappointed because it's appropriate. It certainly is Badd.

I know writers who use subtext and they're all cowards

Ryback vs. Chris Lyons and Ryan Shelton WWE SmackDown 06-01-2012

Ryback vs. Chris Lyons and Ryan Shelton WWE SmackDown 06-01-2012

Ryback is proof that tastes can change.

For so long, I was the stereotypical shitty "smart" wrestling fan. I hate to even phrase it that way, but I think it's the easiest way to indicate what I mean. I couldn't fathom a good match being under fifteen minutes long. Pro Wrestlers needed time to tell a story damnit, and I needed at least five minutes of pointless chain wrestling. I was all about technical wrestling and high flyers and long-term storytelling damnit. But as I got older, those walls came down. I found myself caring less and less about the moves and more about the characters. I still appreciated good wrestling, but there's nothing wrong with some variety in the diet.  Like how now I eat broccoli instead of mac and cheese every day. At that point, I began to appreciate violence.  Like how now I eat Chipotle sometimes even though it means I occasionally have to block out my afternoon for toilet reasons. I began to realize that my favorite wrestling is the kind where a dude looks like he's beating the shit out of the other guy. Simulated Violence mixed with, well probably a little bit of actual violence.  That was my jam. I don't know when exactly I realized my tastes had changed so much, but I think I know when I knew for Sure

The Ryback

Hall of Fame Squash: Test vs. Billy Yates WWF Jakked 06-02-2001

Test vs. Bill Yates WWF Jakked 06-02-2001

Test has probably the weirdest debut in wrestling.

People will immediately go to The Shockmaster or Gobbledy Gooker, but I said the weirdest not the worst. Coming out of an egg is pretty weird, but I'd argue debuting as Motley Crue's bodyguard...in 1998... On Sunday Night Heat.....while they're promoting their classic album Generation Swine. 

That debut sounds like the Mad Libs of someone who lacks imagination. 

He shows up, bounces some guy during the Motley Crue concert and then 2 weeks later he's in The Corporation. He is given the name Test because he either says Test ....Test, like a roadie or because you had to pass "The Test" or I swear someone said steroid test one.  Either way, it's still debated heavily to this day, amongst people with literally nothing better to do. Test got a big push and a big romance angle with Stephanie McMahon of all people. All the piece were together for a big Test run, but it never came. Test solidly tapped out at the upper-midcard, but he never even got a sniff at a top guy run. You figure he would had gotten at least one, "Shit we need a heel opponent for this month...uhhhhh let's do an angle where Test left Austin's beer out and it's flat and Austin's mad". There's been theories and speculation about why Test never the full push. Some think he just didn't have the mic skills, some think he didn't have the in-ring ablity, some think he was a victim of the HHH reign of terror. I'm always going to say the third one. The HHH ruined everything is a great conspiracy theory because you can't disprove it and it doesn't end in anti-Semitism.  Regardless of why it didn't happen, I think WWE did Test dirty. Test was an incredibly fun wrestler, and really agile for a big man. Plus, he had an eyebrow piercing and dudes with eyebrow piercings in 2001 were cool. The guy from Drowning Pool had a pierced eyebrow. Case Closed.  Drowning Pool should have Test's theme, that was the missing piece. When I was a teenager I was a big Drowning Pool fan and a shitty little atheist so I thought my AIM screenname should reflect that...and it did.

DpownsJesus

Shark Boy vs Abyss TNA Impact 06-04-04

Shark Boy vs Abyss TNA Impact 06-04-04

Finally I get to talk about TNA on Fox Sports Network.

I know I've mentioned in at least one previous entry how much I loved TNA Impact on FSN and that I wanted to talk about it more. No time like the present, unless you're the Spice Girls and you're throwing some complicated Stephen Hawking Theory of Everything crap about if you want my future forget my past. 

Sidebar, I dare you to re-watch the Wannabe video and not see how bored Posh Spice seems by the whole thing. Everyone is trying really really hard, except her.

Back to TNA.  It's hard to remember exactly, but I knew I was aware of TNA's existence back in 2004. I was online enough where I had heard of TNA and read stuff about it, but none of it really registered. To me it was the company that ran weekly PPVS with Jeff Jarrett. However, when I found out TNA was going to be on FSN I was so excited. I was probably also the only person in the world excited it was a Friday afternoon. I have a younger brother and so after school I would have to go home and get him off the bus and...well that was basically it.  I was a moody teenager so I'd just mope around and complain until my parents got home so I could see my friends.

I really was the absolute worst guys. 

Jake Roberts vs Dusty Wolfe WWF Superstars 09-05-1987

Jake Roberts vs  Dusty Wolfe WWF Superstars 09-05-1987

I've watched probably thousands of squash matches.

Not for the blog obviously, but over the years I've had to have seen at least 4 digits worth of wimpies.  My dominant wrestling fandom started in the early 90s, so I had some glorious days of syndicated television. Hours spent watching men with bad haircuts and beer bellys getting their bell rung by roided up monsters. 

The Good Old Days.

 Over the past few years I've gone back and watched more as my Youtube Algorithm has been destroyed. All it recommends me now are squash matches and Leon The Lobster videos. I recommend Leon if you want to get emotional about a man rescuing a grocery store lobster and raising it as a pet. So suffice to say, I've seen a lot. Of squash matches, Leon the Lobster only has like five videos. If you've noticed from the blog, a lot of them fall into a pattern. Not all patterns are bad, I'm a plaid advocate myself.  A lot of squashes sort of echo previous squashes I've either covered in the blog or seen before

But of fucking course Jake Roberts is going to be the guy to break it.

Jake Roberts is someone who should be considered overrated. Whenever someone in wrestling is constantly praised for "having a great mind for the business" or "amazing psychology" or " looking more like Sam Elliot than me because my hair just won't turn grey quick enough", there's an instinct to downplay it. He is just constantly put over as a great wrestler and a great mind, surely it has to be a bunch of bullshit. 

Notice I said should be overrated.

Lazertron vs Randy Mulkey NWA Pro 03-07-1987

Lazertron vs Randy Mulkey  NWA Pro  03-07-1987

I've only trusted one robot in my entire life

His name was Alfie and he was a Tiger Electronics 2-Xl. I don't know why his name was Alfie, but it was. Alfie was a robot with a cassette player for a belly.  He had a portable handle and a headphone jack which allowed me to bring him everywhere. In what predicated my enjoyment of podcasts by about 25 years, I had so many story cassette tapes that I would listen with Alfie. I had The X-Men, I had the Ninja Turtles, I had the Power Rangers, I had probably a tape from some knockoff franchise that one of my relatives I didn't like got me.  I wanted to name names so bad right there. Every night I would put on my headphones, put on Alfie and go to bed....and by go to bed I mean spent hours listening too it until I actually wanted to sleep. Alfie didn't just allow the ability to tell stories, Alfie allowed you to play games.. At the bottom of the robot, Alfie had buttons that would allow you to answer questions . Sometimes it was a question about what you wanted to hear, or sometimes it would be testing your knowledge.  I loved Alfie and I loved to play the game. Well one night Alfie has be a question, "Would it be bad if all the bugs died? It only took me two seconds to answer it, no it'd be amazing. Just that summer I was stung by a bee for the first time in my life, and then less than 24 hours later I was stung by a bee for the second time in my life. I'm a grown man, I pay taxes, I still kind of freak out when I see a bee. I'm not allergic, I'm just a coward of the county. The only WASP I enjoy better have Blackie Lawless in spandex. So yes, I told Alfie I wanted the bugs gone. There is a really good chance I am about to exaggerate, but I swear this is the just of what he told me"

Money Inc (Ted DiBiase & IRS) vs Reno Riggins & Gary Sabough WWF March to Wrestlemania IX 03-28-1993

Money Inc (Ted DiBiase & IRS) vs Reno Riggins &  Gary Sabough WWF March to Wrestlemania IX 03-28-1993

It always makes me laugh when leftist ideas sneak their way into wrestling.

It doesn't happen very often.  I love pro wrestling, but historically it's politics have always leaned towards conservative. Leaned? who am I kidding. All you need for evidence is well.... take your pick. Do you want to start with the race-bating, the homophobia, the xenopohobia, the sexism, the misogny, or another ism I either forgot about or didn't realize their was a name for yet.  Obviously some changes have been made recently, but it's very glaring to see those conservative values in early pro wres. That said, every now and then it dawns on me something in wrestling can be viewed as leftist and nobody ever seemed to notice

Money Inc

Hear me out, on one hand you have "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase. His gimmick is not only that he's rich, but that he's a rich asshole. He has all this money and won't share it with anyone. He has employees that he won't pay a fair wage. He's generally a miserable and arrogant human being that tries to buy his way through everything. 

He's Jeff Bezos. 

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Rich Myers WWF Wrestling Challenge 11-14-1993

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Rich Myers  WWF Wrestling Challenge 11-14-1993

Did you guys know Major Payne was a remake?

That's right, the Damon Wayans military movie is a remake. Blew my mind when I found out. I was in a Goodwill and I saw a tape for a movie called The Private War of Major Benson starring Charlton Helston. The Private War of Major Benson starring Charlton Heston isn't the name of the movie, it's The Private War of Major Benson and it stars Charlton Heston. Anyways, as I read the description I slowly realize this was the plot to Major Payne. That movie was a cable TV staple and never in that time did I ever realize it was a remake. So why do I  bring this up?

Bam Bam Bigelow is in Major Payne.

Hak (The Sandman) vs Bull Payne WCW Saturday Night 05-08-1999

Hak (The Sandman) vs Bull Payne  WCW Saturday Night 05-08-1999

"Do you think the original band name was Metallic, but when James Hetfield pitched it he prounced it as Metallic-AH"

It was 1 AM, on the way home from the Providence Dave and Buster's when a friend of mine asked me that question. It may be quite possibily the funniest thing anyone has ever said to me. The kind of laughter that took over my body where I thought, this is how I die...laughing at James Hetfield's weird verbal quirks.  I didn't even have  o question the joke, I understood exactly what he meant. If you were born in the 80s and had even a casual interest in rock music, you liked Metallica. I'm not going to pretend I'm a die-hard Metallica fan. I was once exposed during a game of Rock Band for not knowing the words to Ride the Lightning and my friends have made fun of me for 15 years for it.   As a kid, I first saw Metallica on MTV with the Until It Sleeps video and though I thought the band was pronounced " Met-a-licka" I was captivated. This was the short-haired too Metallica, that was the Metallica I grew up with.  The Metallica of Load and...Re-load.  Admittedly, not the cleverest of  album names. I was still a kid when those albums came out, I hadn't really formed my musical opinions ye, .but in 2003 I was 15 and I was ready. Finally, a Metallica album is coming out. I was so amped, especially when MTV was going to do a World Premiere video. I had liked Metallica for a long time, but this album was going to be when I loved Metallica. Alright Metallica, what's the name of this  again?

St. Anger

Hall of Fame Squash: Bludgeon Brothers ( Luke Harper and Erick Rowan) vs Colin Delaney and Joe Monroe WWE Smackdown 12-12-2017

Hall of Fame Squash: Bludgeon Brothers ( Luke Harper and Erick Rowan) vs Colin Delaney and Joe Monroe  WWE Smackdown 12-12-2017

In the movies, they just take off the ugly girl's glasses and they're pretty.

It's just so simple and cliche that I'm not even going to list examples of films ,you already know all of them.  All a woman needs to do in the movie is take off her glasses and va-va-voom all the boys are into her. It's not just women either, there's plenty of movies where an ugly boy becomes a stone cold babe when he switches to contacts. Yes, eventually in the movie you realize beauty is on and inside and all that crap, but still the transformation is too simple. In real life you can't just take off the glasses, you have to look deep to find real beauty. God it's....it's  exhausting.

I wish I could just She's All That The Bludgeon Brothers.

Samoa Joe Vs Delirious TNA Impact 06-21-2005

 Samoa Joe Vs Delirious TNA Impact 06-21-2005

Samoa Joe in TNA was such a huge deal for me

I've probably mentioned before how big a fan of was of Ring of Honor, but in case I haven't here we go.  In 2004 I discovered ROH and fell in love with it . I set out to watch as much ROH as possible and between tapes and other....less legal methods. By 2005 I was fully invested in ROH and it's lore. I'm pretty sure ROH DVDs were the first thing I ever got my parents to purchase over the internet. We had a PO Box and so the days we would go and get that slip that said, Come to the Main Counter, were the best days. Days we got that slip and the counter were closed, were the worst days.  I grew up lower middle class, my life was low stakes back then.

I loved ROH, but I could only watch so much. I couldn't afford to get every DVD and the less than legal means didn't always have the best video quality. I don't think I was even aware of Youtube yet, and so that avenue was closed. Luckily, I had TNA. I mentioned before what a game-changer TNA was for me. A national television product featuring so many new wrestlers, mixed in with veterans I had fond memories of.  The news of Samoa Joe showing up there meant I would get to see him every week now!

Bit of a monkey's paw situation though

Hall of Fame Squash: The Quebecers vs Dan Dubiel and Scott Despres WWF Superstars 08-21-1993

The Quebecers (Jacques Rougeau and PCO) vs Dan Dubiel and Scott Despres WWF Superstars 08-21-1993

'We're not the Mounties"

Say what you will about the pettiness of Vince McMahon, but it's never been so beautifully represented than the lyrics to the theme of The Quebecers. Prior to The Quebecers team, Jacques Rougeau played The Mountain...a villainous Canadian Law Enforcement official. 

ACAB. All Canadians are Bad. 

Well for some reason, the actual Canadian Mounties took offense and it became a whole thing. I don't know if it was because of the controversy or  just a a coincidence, but The Mountie left for a few months. When he returned Jacques was not alone. With him was Pierre, better known nowadays as PCO. Together they formed a tag team known as The Quebecers. They were adamant, they were not the Mounties. They were just angry French-Canadians who  wore modified versions of The Mountie gear. I've mentioned my affinity for The New Generation, and so obviously I hated them. As I came of age on the internet, they were a team I never heard discussed.  I assumed , incorrectly, they were just a goofy gimmick. Luckily over the past decade, The stock of The Quebecers did rise. There were enough prominent fans telling people, you should really go back and check those guys out. And so, I did and oh my god The Quebecers ruled .Especially in the squash matches. I am not sure who to give credit too, but someone pointed me in the direction of this squash years ago and the game done changed

This might be the greatest Tag Team Squash match of all time

Bill Kazmaier vs. Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker WCW Pro 09-07-1991

Bill Kazmaier vs. Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker  WCW Pro 09-07-1991 

I loved The World's Strongest Man Competitions

I never knew when they were going to be on, but any Sunday afternoon they showed up on ESPN 2 was a great Sunday afternoon. Believe me, it was always a Sunday afternoon for some reason My dad loved it too, so whenever one of us stumbled upon it we had to make sure to let the other one know. For me the appeal was obvious, big massive adults lifting big things. What could be better? I think for my dad, the appeal was he probably thought if he really tried he could do it too. The male ego is something else guys. I love my dad, but on more than one occasion he would veer into Uncle Rico " Bet you I could throw a football over those mountains" territory.  As I got older it seemed like it  was one of those things nobody else knew about. Until one night at a party my friends  someone threw out a reference to it, and we started  talking about it. I never had said Magnus Ver Magnusson out loud before that night. It was a blast. Finally, by the end of the night we were just drunk and pretending everything was an atlas stone. If you needed a beer,  it was a guaranteed someone was going to do the Atlas Stone shuffle with a Bud Light for you.  So suffice to say, I love the World's Strongest Man

But god World's Strongest Man wrestlers suck.

Well Dunn vs. Gary Sabaugh & Mike Khoury WWF Mania 11-27-1994

Well Dunn vs. Gary Sabaugh & Mike Khoury 11-27-1994

On paper, I should love Well Dunn

They check so many of the boxes of things I love about wrestling. For starters, they wrestled during the WWF New Generation era. It's the best era of wrestling despite what anyone tells you. People will tell me I'm viewing that era through rose colored glasses but the jokes on them because I wear contacts.   Also working in Well Dunn's favor is they  look absolutely ridiculous. Neon singlets with a thong up their butt that makes them look like extra for the Eric Pryde Call on Me video.  Their tag name is a pun, something I've been pretty clear that I love. Well Dunn is an objectively tag duo moniker.  That said, while Steven Dunn is a fine name...Timothy Well sounds so wimpy. I think it's really hard for me to get behind a wrestler named Timothy. Timothy Thatcher has done a lot to bring power to the name, but he's fighting an uphill  losing battle. Most importantly of all , they're a Southern Heel Tag Team, which I've realized is my favorite kind of tag team. I love two heels who constantly need to cheat, but when it's time to take a comeback they fly around all over the place and look like goofballs. Before they were Well Dunn, they were known as The Southern Rockers for god's sake. I should love them.

On Paper